Monday, June 28, 2004

How I DIDN'T spend my June vacation

First things first....I had a wicked day of travelling last Sunday, and saw Victoria that night, and gave her a pounding she won't soon forget. And she got a little, um, "weird" on me. More on that later.

More importantly, Steverino played the little game called "Master of My Domain", which you Seinfeld fans will know all about, and I also succeeded in adding the 36th name to the list of women whom I have "horizontified". But oh, what a fucking gamble I took in doing so. I may have set myself up for some trouble down the road. But I am getting ahead of myself.

I decided last week that I don't like whacking off so much. Maybe I could just....stop for a while. And maybe that would make me less horny! So after hammering Victoria on Sunday, I woke up Monday hoping to stave off the urge to masturbate for the entire week.

I got out of bed, showered, shaved, dressed, and went to my meetings. I also went to the liquor store and bought a bottle of champagne, which I always do when I am travelling...you'll see why...

I was driving all over the place, speaking to our agents. The meetings went well on Monday morning, and I didn't really think about sex too much. It was working!

So I take an agent to a Chinese place for lunch, and our waitress is very flirty. She keeps grinning at me and biting her lip. Shit......

She bends over to fill my teacup and I could see her bra. Almost the whole thing. She is surprisingly big-chested for an Asian girl. At this point I have been talking business the whole time, and I haven't even said two words to her, so I am figuring she just does this all the time.

"What kind of cologne do you wear," says the agent.

"Obsession, usually."

"Shit, I gotta get me some of that. I come here twice a week, and I can't get Connie to look twice at me. And she's practically flashing you!!"

"Connie? What kinda Asian name is that?"

"They take American names sometimes."

So we finish up and leave, and Connie's got me all worked up. Suddenly I am aching down there. Blue balls are setting in. Am I going to go out after less than a day, Kramer-style? NO fucking way.

My college friend, "Fungus", taught me a trick to get rid of blue balls. You squat down underneath an immovable countertop or doorway, and push up against it as hard as you can. It seems to work ok most of the time.

Back at the agent's office, I go into the men's room, squat down, and do my best to lift the sink off the wall. I am pushing like hell when something gives way! The whole sink moves, and bits of tile fall to the floor. Holy shit! But I feel a little better, and go on to my next meeting.

Each day got harder and harder. (And I MEAN that.) I found that working out obsessively helped, so I was lifting weights at the hotel exercise room instead of jogging, and I was actually DOING this!! I wondered how long I could keep it up...

Meanwhile, I was hitting on girls like crazy, and getting nowhere. Was the hot streak coming to a close? Maybe, but there was this one girl on Wednesday...

I meet her by the pool at 9:30 at night, swimming all alone....she is swimming laps.

"You lost your bathing suit back there," I say.

"What?! HUH?!!" she gasps, reaching for her boobs. Her bathing suit is still on, of course, but I can tell: Her breasts are gorgeous, big and ripe. They look like they might be fake.

I laugh. "I'm just kiddin'. My name's Steve." I stick my hand out.

"Christie," she says, and looks kind of annoyed. She doesn't shake my hand.

"So what brings you out this way," I say.

"My car," she says.

Um, ok. Not much to work with here, Christie...

"Travelling for work, I guess?"

"Are you writin' a book?" She's got a little southern accent. Sexy!! And guess what? She's SMILING! Suddenly, I'm thinking something could happen here!

"I don't like books. I'm more of a movie man."

She looks really confused. Then she gets it. "Oh, ha ha," she laughs politely.

That settles it. This chick is dumber than a carton of broken eggs. And dumb hot chicks are not good in bed, I find. But I intend to test that theory.

"So what do you do, Christie?"

"As little as possible..."

Yep, she's a 15-watt girl (not too bright).

"Seriously!"

"Hm. I'm an attorney," she says.

WTF. ANOTHER fucking lawyer? What are the chances? Hope I do better with this one, by God. And that's IF she's telling the truth. She is giving off a dumb vibe; no way she's a real lawyer. Time for a little test...

"REALLY?! Where'd you go to law school?" I ask in an excited voice.

See, if you act really interested, people are less likely to ask why you want to know.

"NYU. Class of 2000!" she says, without hesitation.

Well, either she's telling the truth, or she's been rehearsing her story.

"I'm in town researching a case," she adds.

"Ahhhh, spying on people!"

"Hahahah! In a manner of speaking."

OK. Did this chick just say, 'in a manner of speaking'? Hey, smart girl, who are you, and what have you done with the bimbo I was just hitting on?

Actually, this could work out. SMART hot chicks really do it for me, as long as they are not egghead-smart. The real genius types are mostly weird.

So, long story short, I talk to Christie for an hour. I buy her two drinks. It's time to see where this is going...

"So you wanna come upstairs for a drink?"

"No."

"They keep all the good liquor in my room, you know."

She thinks for a minute. "You're really sweet," she says. She's not looking at me.

"Thanks! You too, Christie!"

She sighs. "I can't."

Fuck. What the HELL!? I was thinking I was IN. Totally.

"Yeah, you can," I say.

"If I go up there, we both know what's going to happen."

"We're gonna watch HBO?"

"No! Steve! Don't kid. I don't mean to disappoint you, but...it wouldn't be fair to John."

Ah, shit. There's a 'John'. Joy!

"It doesn't have to be a big deal," I say. "It can be a.....small deal." In otherwords, how about a nice blowjob consolation prize?

"Guys like you? You don't accept small deals."

Hmm...is it that obvious?

"Well, I'm pretty sure you can still kiss me goodnight, though...right?"

She rubs my forearm and licks her lips. She kisses me on the mouth, briefly. Her lips are thick and pouty and wet. I am beginning to think this chick would be HOT in bed.

She kisses my cheek and hugs me.

"I'm sorry, Steve."

"Don't worry about it."

I never say "it's ok" when someone apologizes to me. I just tell them not to worry about it. In otherwords, you're an asshole, but there's nothing you can do about it now.

"I DO worry," she says.

"It was nice talking to you!"

"You too!"

I go back to my room and my cock is throbbing like you would not believe. I've already worked out twice today and I am aching.

I do 150 crunches and hit the sack. And I am STILL master of my domain!!

To be continued.....