Wednesday, July 14, 2004

Sexonomics 101

Boys and girls, class is now in session.

Maybe I have been working in business too long, but I tend to look at every decision in my life in terms of cost vs. benefit. Whether it's getting out of my chair to get a popsicle at 2:00am, or buying a house, I always carefully consider all my options.

For several days leading up to last Friday, I had basically resolved to dump Kelly. Then I got to thinking: Is that really the best option? So I sat down and weighed the pros and cons.

Are you ready? Let's take a peek inside the mind of Steverino....

IDEA: To break it off with Kelly

Extremely attractive / hot body - no way Kelly turns into a fat-assed, sedentary 45-year old
Likes sex
Likes girls / open to idea of threesomes
Uninhibited about trying new things sexually
After almost a month, giving me absolutely no pressure for a commitment
Willing to spend money on me
Good career / very financially secure
Open about what is on her mind - you never have to guess what she is thinking
It's very challenging to keep pace with her

Seems emotionally irregular (smiles at inappropriate times, e.g.) Seems there is a potential to "snap"
She is difficult to predict / manipulate
Seems too fond of sexual violence - appears to be escalating as she gets more comfortable
Seems overly preoccupied with "one-upping" me or not letting me have the upper hand
POSSIBLY, may be more interested in girls than guys
If she ever found out about Lila, could possibly "out" me, for the sake of competitiveness

The pluses are self-explanatory. There are some really rare traits there, including the threesomes and the non-pressuring. It's very tough to pass things like that up.

The cons I worry about most are the sexual violence and the emotional irregularity.

In the end, I decide these are not much to worry about. She's probably not going to "snap" one day and kill 15 people; if so, she probably would have done so already. She might freak out and make a scene somewhere, but she's no serial killer. I'm not even totally convinced she would "out" me if she found out about Lila. After all, she doesn't seem to be in much of a rush for a commitment...and about the violence, I can always redirect her, like I did last time, or just simply say "no". If she turns into a weirdo about it, I always have the option of dumping her whenever I want.

So, all things considered, I decide to stay with Kelly. Of course, if someone else comes along, my door will be open. But in the meantime, it looks like there is more fun in store for me!

It's Friday the 9th, and Lila is in TOTAL lockdown tonight. Her mother suspects she's been sneaking out (close: I've been sneaking IN), and she is staying home all night to keep tabs on Lila.

I keep forgetting to mention this, but Ross approved Lila's proposal about moving the two employees to the file room.

"Nine hundred bucks is an awful lot of money to move two employees down the hall," he says.

"I promise, I'll only ask for this kinda thing when we have record revenue, like we did this quarter," I say.

"DON'T GET SMART!" He yells. "Just because we have the money doesn't mean we have to spend it!"

"You KNOW it's a good idea, Ross."

"It's fucking CLASSIC," he says. "That file room is an eyesore. And I always hated the fact that those two people were on the other side of the building. This was a really good idea, Steve."

"It wasn't mine, it was Lila's," I say.

"Really! Wow. She really turned out ok, didn't she?"

"Yeah, she did!"

"And she's a piece of ass, too."

"Is she? I didn't notice," I say.

We both laugh.

"OK, Steve," Ross says, signing the proposal. "Just DO NOT go over budget."

"We won't."

At least not by much. ;-).

Three things occur to me during work:
1. Kelly has not blown me yet;
2. I have not partied in a while; and,
3. Kelly has not called me all day today (somewhat odd).

Time to remedy at least two of those.

I call Jeff from the realty office and ask him where he and his friends will be tonight. "Doc O'Malley's, like always! Bring your hot secretary!" he says.

Nice fucking try, asshole.

Jeff and his buddies are the perfect crew to party with. There are about five of them that get totally smashed at least twice a week, and they know all the good places to hang out. They're a little crude, but fun, and they provide great cover for me when I am on the make, which is pretty much all the time.

What I do is, ask a girl out, and if she seems a little leery, I tell her that "a bunch of us are going out for a drink", and invite her along. Then, I just find out where Jeff and the guys will be, and meet her there. It LOOKS like I am with my friends, see, because I am sitting with them, and talking to them, but I am really alone, and I can take off with her whenever I want; none of them need a ride with me or anything.

This night, I actually might get plastered with the guys. I mean call-a-cab, piss- into-an-ashtray, eat-greasy-crap-at-Denny's-at-4am plastered.

I call Kelly. "A bunch of us are going out tonight, wanna come?"

Long pause. "It's short notice, Steve."

MUST you fight me every step of the way, BITCH?

"I just found out about it now..." I say.

She sighs. "Where?"

"Doc O'Malley's."

"I'll try," she says.

"Are you coming or not?" I hear myself say.

"Fuck you, Steve." CLICK.

Yeah, she's coming.

10:00, Doc O'Malleys. Jeff and his friends are in rare form. They are pounding Jaegermeister shots, and practically feeling up the waitress every time she comes by. So far, I've counted about $80 in tips, though.

"You are so fucking hot. What kinda car do you drive?" Jeff says to her at one point.

"Maxima," she replies.

"MAXIMA!!!! Hot chick car!" Jeff says.

"Hot chick car!!! His friends reply, and they all down their shots.

I don't drink Jaeger. So I am just doing vodka-tonics, nice and slow, and working on a very nice buzz.

It suddenly occurs to me that the waitress is totally fucking hot. And it might be time for a little good-cop, bad-cop.

Obnoxious friends are useful. They look like total assholes, and make average people seem downright cultured by comparison. It's like being 5'9" and hanging out with a midget: You look like a giant!

The waitress walks by me. Her name is Shelley, according to her name tag. "If they get outta line, you let me know," I say, nodding authoritatively.

If you think I am an arrogant prick on this blog, you ought to see me wasted. I am basically unapproachable, unless you are a very hot chick.

"Well, it's ok, as long as..." she says.

" long as the money keeps flowing?"

She laughs. "Yeah. Exactly. I gotta get my car fixed."

"What's wrong with your car?" I ask.

"Water pump."

"Ahh, too bad my cousin's not here," I say. "He's a mechanic. He works at the Nissan dealership on route 1."

No, he's not, and no, he doesn't. My cousin barely knows how to put gas in a car. But I overheard her say she has a Maxima and I don't think she knows that. I know it's kinda cheesy, but if you are gonna hit on a waitress, it's hard to just start a conversation and talk to her for an hour: She is working! You have to work fast.

"Nissan dealership? I drive a Maxima!" She says.

"Really?" I say, raising my eyebrows. "No shit! Well, sometimes he does work on the side for cheap," I say.

"He DOES!?"

Now, it's time to pull away. I have something she wants. Let her come after me!

Suddenly, I act like I have something urgent to say to Jeff. I turn my back on Shelley and start talking to him.

She taps me hard on the shoulder and hands me her phone number. "Oh, thanks," I say.


"Call me!" she says.

How will I handle the story about my cousin, and the work he "does on the side"? Who cares? I'll figure something out. I just got a phone number that every guy in the bar wanted. Who gives a shit how I did it? And I know I said that lying is bad. Just do as I say, not as I do!

I look across the room, and Kelly is there, ordering a drink. Wonder how long she's been there...

I walk up to her and tap her on the arm. "Hey babe!" she says, hugging me. She is wearing a blue and white striped sailor-style shirt with a white jacket over it, white pants, and white sneakers. Her hair is down. She looks GORGEOUS. Guys are staring.

She is wearing Tea Rose perfume. It's a very distinctive smell that I love.

We drink for about an hour. Jeff and the guys are getting rowdy. "Let's go for a walk," I say.

We leave the bar and walk down the street, past the department store windows and subway entrances. There is a faint smell of Italian food and diesel exhaust. Dump truck Parmagiana, anyone?

Kelly is very quiet.

"Hey," I say.


"You're very pensive tonight."

She stops walking, in front of a telephone pole. There is a LOST CAT sign tacked to it.

"Steve, where are we going?"

Fucking A. Does this chick EVER stop fucking with me, for one second??

"We're going North on McComb Street, towards the highway entrance."


"Fuck, Kelly. Don't start this now. It's 12:00 in the morning. Don't fucking start it."

"So what, you're just gonna call me on a Friday afternoon, and expect me to drop everything, have a few drinks with you, and fuck your brains out?"

Actually, I was hoping for a blowjob....

"If you didn't want to come, you should have said no, Kel."

"Not the point!"

"You wanna talk about where we're going? Nowhere, that's where. Because YOU'RE not fucking serious about it."

"YES I AM!" She is yelling now.

"Yeah, I bet your husband thinks so, too!"

"I filed for divorce, Steve!"

"Yeah. Until next time, when you reconcile again."

"You're not being fair!" she says.

"You wanna talk? Call me tomorrow. I'm going home." I start to walk towards the parking lot.

"You're in no shape to drive," she says, taking my hand. "I'll take you home."

We get in the car, and it's like the argument never happened. "Hey, listen to this new CD I got!" she says, excitedly. It sounds like George Michael.

"Cool!" I say. Yeah. Yippee.

"So, how's work going? I know you said you guys were getting crazy out there," she says.

"Oh man, it's tough right now. Our network was down for four hours yesterday."

"Ouch!" She says.

We get to my house. I wonder if she is going to drop me off and leave. But she stops the car and pulls the keys out. I get hard.

We walk in the house, and she kicks her sneakers off. I put on a DVD and get her a beer.

"Can I stay here tonight," she says. She is looking at me inquisitively, her lips tucked into her mouth. She has really deep dimples.

"I'm not crazy about that staying over stuff, Kel."

"Fine! I'll just fall asleep at the wheel!"

"Good," I say, sitting next to her.

I am hit with her perfume: A big, flowery wave. Aggressive people love to make themselves smell conspicuous.

"So what are you gonna do to me tonight," she whispers.

"Nothing. You're gonna blow me."

She smiles. Her lips are full and thick, covered with pink lipstick. What else? "I was wondering when you were gonna call me on that!"

She turns the TV to the easy listening music station. It sounds like Kenny G is playing. She gets off the couch and turns the lights down; I unzip and unbutton.

"Thanks for taking it out for me," she smiles, sarcastically.

"That's YOUR job," I say.

She pulls my cock out. I love when a girl does that for me. I am fully hard already. She starts to lick me, in a circular motion, starting at the top. Every once in a while, she stops and licks it from bottom to top. Her tongue is amazing: Soft, warm and wet.

She puts the whole shaft into her mouth and looks up at me. I watch as her cheeks hollow out, and I am dizzy with ecstasy. She slows down, stops, starts again. I close my eyes and focus on the sound of her slurping and sucking. I can feel the pre-cum dribbling out of me. Won't be long now.

"Do you want me to eat your cum?" she says, looking up at me.

EAT? Well, isn't it really more like DRINKING? I mean, it's about the same consistency as a vanilla shake, isn't it? And you DRINK those, right?

"FUCK yeah," I say.

She pulls my cock out of her mouth and rubs furiously, aiming right at her own mouth. I blow a voluminous load, and she never flinches, not even a muscle. When I am done, she closes her mouth, and I can hear the gutteral sound of her swallowing.

She gets up and sits back down next to me, taking a swig of beer. "So, are you gonna call that waitress chick?" she says.

Fuck. Kelly can be hot. She can also be...unnerving. Did the Steverino make a mistake? Am I going to regret staying with her? Is she going to demand a commitment from me now?

And on a different note, was this blog entry too friggin' long? Do I need to break them up more?.....I am feeling like I go on forever....