He says, she says - For whom the Belle tolls
For several years now, my good friend Ari has worked with me on the "He says, she says" project. But recently she let me know that, with everything else she has going on, she is unable to continue. Of course, she'll keep blogging for us, and as always, I'll be the first one in line to read.
Ari, thanks for being one of my first blogger friends, and keep in touch!
Of course, Ari's departure means that I need another "she" to help me out. Luckily, my new blogger chick friend, Belle, has come to the rescue! She is cool and funny... a total smartass, too. How is it that she has not been blogger chick of the month yet??
Anyway, here are your latest questions:
UPDATE: Thanks to a couple of your comments, I have done some research and it turns out that douching is no longer a completely advisable practice.
Belle actually speaks from a position of authority here and she has added some comments below.
As always, this Q&A is for informational purposes only and is not a substitute for medical advice.
Hey steve and ari,i am a 25 year old african woman who hasn't had much
luck in relationships(if you can call them that!)i recently met a guy
and we hit it off pretty well,went out on a date and ended up at his
house allover each other,eventually getting naked.He had a little
trouble getting hard despite everything i tried to do to get him there.I
was just wondering if its normal for some men to experience performance
anxiety even if they're with someone who is pretty patient and
undemanding.I know it wasn't cuz he wasn't attracted to me,but this has
never happened to me before and i found it very wierd,i had a few
fleeting moments of insecurity thinking it might be my fault but i got
over that pretty quickly!i like him and want to see him again and maybe
try again..lol.I just wanted to know specifically from Ari,if this has
ever happened to her since i know Steve obviously doesn't have that
problem,and if you have any tips if it happens again.thanks alot.
curious
Steve says:
Sometimes guys get stage fright when with a girl for the first time, especially if you're hot-bodied and he usually strikes out with your caliber of woman. Also, there are a lot of "taken" men who play the field, and then get guilty-penis syndrome when it's time to seal the deal.
Do yourself a favor and double-check that this guy is not already hooked up with a girl (or a guy, for that matter). If you trust him, and like him, keep trying. It's good that you're not demanding; he needs your support if he's going to get through this. In a worst-case scenario, he's got some kind of erectile dysfunction, and there are plenty of treatments to help that.
Good luck!
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Belle says:
Sweetheart, I'd like to say that if the guy has such performance anxiety that he can't even achieve, much less maintain, a decent erection when a woman is pawing all over him, he wouldn't be a very good lover. He'd be at the finish line faster than Jim from "American Pie". Not ideal.
If this man is middle-aged, my first question would be to confirm his true sexual orientation. Just because he plays like he is into you means nothing. There is still a strong homophobic climate present, even in a post "Will & Grace" society. Many men are still in the closet, still pretending to be straight. Secondly, there are serious medical conditions associated with Erectile Dysfunction including, but not limited to, cancer and an enlarged prostate. Not exactly pillow talk, but something that should be addressed.
Finally, hon, don't ever think it's you. Pretty much any man would have an instant hard-on with a woman sitting next to him, in house, touching, kissing and caressing all over him. It has nothing to do with her or her abilities to get him aroused, it will be an almost knee-jerk reaction. If you have any concerns over your performance, so to speak, in that situation, my best advice is work on your speech. From personal experience and the confirmations of numerous boyfriends and guy friends, nothing will turn a choir boy into a loverboy faster than some serious dirty talk. Tell him what you want to do to him, what you want him to do to you, hell, tell him about the dream you had last night, replacing Johnny Depp with him.
And don't forget to have fun! When you stress about this stuff, the mood will die faster than someone involved with Howard K. Stern.
Good Luck!
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Belle says:
WonderinGirl, Oh you're making me think deep, intellectual thoughts after a long day at work! Naughty! When I read your very first question, I went into professional mode. Just as with men, some medical conditions can affect a woman's sex drive and ability to achieve climax. Your very first course of action is to get a complete physical and, yes, be honest. Doctors hear a lot, trust me, you won't faze him/her by disclosing that you're having some sexual dysfunction. I know it isn't very sexy of me to harp on the medical aspect of people's problems, but it's something to be aware of and handle as the warning sign it may be.
Along the same line, make sure you are well lubricated. If you're dry, sex will not be nearly as pleasurable. Even if you think you're okay in that department, play around! Try out products such as KY Warming Liquid or Pure Romance Sensations. There are a wide variety of heighteners out there as well, like Pure Romance X-Scream (no, I don't sell Pure Romance, but, damn, I love their products) which increase your sensitivity and heighten (hence the name) your pleasure. Speaking in more practical tones, work on positioning. Most women I know climax easier in the Cowgirl position, but you need to work a bit to find your perfect fit. If Missionary worked for you before, attempt it again, but while he's pumping away, scoot your butt down a little, this will allow his penis to rub against your clitoris and give you the stimulation you want. Also, flex your vaginal muscles around his penis, this will greatly increase pleasure on both sides.
As for your second question, my gut reaction is to get better lovers! Otherwise, read your mate. Even if you haven't been with someone dozens of times, you can tell when they are close to reaching their intended goal. When their muscles tighten, the breathing gets heavier or whatever their telltale quirk is, SLOW DOWN! If you are on top, this is easy. If he is, wrap your legs around him tightly, signaling a silent plea for a slower pace. Some men are a little dense, so if he continues humping like there's no tomorrow, kiss him deeply, passionately and say, "Baby, no rush. We've got alllll night." Give him a sly, seductive smile. He'll get the hint.
I'm not too clear as to what country you're from, but I'm assuming you're referring to an IUD when you say "coil". In response: douche. It's an important part of being a sexually active, conscious, responsible woman. It's healthy for you and courteous for your partner.
UPDATE FROM BELLE:
My, my the hackles have been raised!
Finally, contrary to popular belief, size does matter... to an extent. To wander into the medical realm again, yes, the elasticity of the vagina is damn impressive, but it is far from a perpetual rubber band. Childbirth is a common culprit of this and, I am pleased to say, has a super easy remedy: Kegel exercises. You mentioned "working on vaginal muscles", but I'd encourage you to be diligent in doing so. Uterine and vaginal prolapse are problems which require serious consideration. Also, try Ben-Wa balls, they are not just practical, but a fun addition. And your partner knowing that you are using Ben-Wa balls will add a suspenseful dimension to your relationship. He'll be thinking about it, knowing you're doing this for him (because he doesn't need to know it's more for you!) all day long and be ready to rip your clothes off at the first sight of you.
Good Luck!
Belle
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Steve says:
1. You should experiment with different masturbation techniques when you are alone. This can include watching porn, playing with dildos / vibrators, or reading my blog. Sounds like you have that last one covered already though...
The point is, you may need a lot of stimulation to get off, maybe more than your guy can dish out in one session. So, once you've found what works for you, have him help you out with it. Maybe he can't pound away at you for 45 minutes, but he might be able to use Mr. Tonka Toy for 43, and then mount you as you're heading down the home stretch.
2. Not all guys can fuck for long periods of time. Sometimes, especially if they are younger, they can have more than one orgasm per session, and if that is the case, him getting off too quickly might not be such a big deal: Just do it again!
If a second helping is not an option, refer to my previous answer. There are other ways for guys to get you off besides intercourse. He's got a mouth and two hands, and you have a drawer full of toys (don't you?)
Another trick I used when I was younger: If you're planning on hooking up on a Saturday night, let's say, he knocks out a good one in the morning; this way, he'll be less, um, explosive that evening. If that doesn't work, he might have to pound out around lunchtime.
One exercise I always use is to try to cut off the flow of urine in mid-piss. It's hard as hell at first, but learning this trick gives a guy control of the muscles down there, and makes it easier to hold back the tidal wave of jizzum trying to get out.
3. Are you dribbling down there on days when you did not have sex?
A little leakage is normal, especially after the guy uncorks a champagne-like blast inside you, but it sounds like it's a bit excessive, and I wonder if it might have to do with your IUD (coil). This is one issue you should speak to your doctor about, to rule out a medical problem.
4. The way I understand it, there are medical procedures to correct this type of thing, but I doubt that you need any. What makes you think you're too big for him? Does he slip out easily, does it not feel as good, etc.? Because all of those problems can be solved by changing positions (doggie works especially well), and experimenting with different angles. Even if you are just doing it missionary, sliding up or down slightly makes a difference!
