He says, she says - For whom the Belle tolls

For several years now, my good friend Ari has worked with me on the "He says, she says" project. But recently she let me know that, with everything else she has going on, she is unable to continue. Of course, she'll keep blogging for us, and as always, I'll be the first one in line to read.

Ari, thanks for being one of my first blogger friends, and keep in touch!

Of course, Ari's departure means that I need another "she" to help me out. Luckily, my new blogger chick friend, Belle, has come to the rescue! She is cool and funny... a total smartass, too. How is it that she has not been blogger chick of the month yet??

Anyway, here are your latest questions:

UPDATE: Thanks to a couple of your comments, I have done some research and it turns out that douching is no longer a completely advisable practice.

Belle actually speaks from a position of authority here and she has added some comments below.

As always, this Q&A is for informational purposes only and is not a substitute for medical advice.

Hey steve and ari,i am a 25 year old african woman who hasn't had much
luck in relationships(if you can call them that!)i recently met a guy
and we hit it off pretty well,went out on a date and ended up at his
house allover each other,eventually getting naked.He had a little
trouble getting hard despite everything i tried to do to get him there.I
was just wondering if its normal for some men to experience performance
anxiety even if they're with someone who is pretty patient and
undemanding.I know it wasn't cuz he wasn't attracted to me,but this has
never happened to me before and i found it very wierd,i had a few
fleeting moments of insecurity thinking it might be my fault but i got
over that pretty quickly!i like him and want to see him again and maybe
try again..lol.I just wanted to know specifically from Ari,if this has
ever happened to her since i know Steve obviously doesn't have that
problem,and if you have any tips if it happens again.thanks alot.
curious

Steve says:

Sometimes guys get stage fright when with a girl for the first time, especially if you're hot-bodied and he usually strikes out with your caliber of woman. Also, there are a lot of "taken" men who play the field, and then get guilty-penis syndrome when it's time to seal the deal.

Do yourself a favor and double-check that this guy is not already hooked up with a girl (or a guy, for that matter). If you trust him, and like him, keep trying. It's good that you're not demanding; he needs your support if he's going to get through this. In a worst-case scenario, he's got some kind of erectile dysfunction, and there are plenty of treatments to help that.

Good luck!

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Belle says:

Sweetheart, I'd like to say that if the guy has such performance anxiety that he can't even achieve, much less maintain, a decent erection when a woman is pawing all over him, he wouldn't be a very good lover. He'd be at the finish line faster than Jim from "American Pie". Not ideal.

If this man is middle-aged, my first question would be to confirm his true sexual orientation. Just because he plays like he is into you means nothing. There is still a strong homophobic climate present, even in a post "Will & Grace" society. Many men are still in the closet, still pretending to be straight. Secondly, there are serious medical conditions associated with Erectile Dysfunction including, but not limited to, cancer and an enlarged prostate. Not exactly pillow talk, but something that should be addressed.

Finally, hon, don't ever think it's you. Pretty much any man would have an instant hard-on with a woman sitting next to him, in house, touching, kissing and caressing all over him. It has nothing to do with her or her abilities to get him aroused, it will be an almost knee-jerk reaction. If you have any concerns over your performance, so to speak, in that situation, my best advice is work on your speech. From personal experience and the confirmations of numerous boyfriends and guy friends, nothing will turn a choir boy into a loverboy faster than some serious dirty talk. Tell him what you want to do to him, what you want him to do to you, hell, tell him about the dream you had last night, replacing Johnny Depp with him.

And don't forget to have fun! When you stress about this stuff, the mood will die faster than someone involved with Howard K. Stern.

Good Luck!

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So, noticing that nobody asked questions for a while, I'm gonna gather my courage and ask a few, just to test you both and see what I can get out of it!

1- I can't come! (Kinda clear eh?) Been able to, ONCE, and it was in plain missionary position and it took about 45 minutes non-stop in the same position. (Talk about borring!) Otherwise, I need some intense clitoris stimulation. I work on my vagina muscles but... Nothing! This is frustrating!

2- All my boy-friends (except 1) were quickies. I mean, who can get pleasure out of a 5 minute sex relation? Is there anything I / he can do about it?

3- I wear a coil (think the translation is ok) since nearly 2 years now and I've been in a serious relationship with my boy-friend for over 3 years now. I allow him to come inside me (condoms are a real turn off for both of us). The thing is, I have some "losses" (?), as if there was some cum left inside or something and it's stinky... I clean up very carefully but still... Wondering if it may be my soap or something or if it have anything to do with the fact that he's not coming out of me... I have those "losses" almost every day of the year... Any hint? I'd really love to get rid of that.

4- My ex boyfriend was well equiped (8 inches...) and we've been together for nearly 7 years. Now that I'm with my new boyfriend (5 1/2 inches and about half as big), I sometimes get the feeling that my vagina is too big for him... Is that possible and is there anything I can do to make it get more firm?

Thanks a lot for your time...

WonderinGirl

Belle says:
WonderinGirl, Oh you're making me think deep, intellectual thoughts after a long day at work! Naughty! When I read your very first question, I went into professional mode. Just as with men, some medical conditions can affect a woman's sex drive and ability to achieve climax. Your very first course of action is to get a complete physical and, yes, be honest. Doctors hear a lot, trust me, you won't faze him/her by disclosing that you're having some sexual dysfunction. I know it isn't very sexy of me to harp on the medical aspect of people's problems, but it's something to be aware of and handle as the warning sign it may be.

Along the same line, make sure you are well lubricated. If you're dry, sex will not be nearly as pleasurable. Even if you think you're okay in that department, play around! Try out products such as KY Warming Liquid or Pure Romance Sensations. There are a wide variety of heighteners out there as well, like Pure Romance X-Scream (no, I don't sell Pure Romance, but, damn, I love their products) which increase your sensitivity and heighten (hence the name) your pleasure. Speaking in more practical tones, work on positioning. Most women I know climax easier in the Cowgirl position, but you need to work a bit to find your perfect fit. If Missionary worked for you before, attempt it again, but while he's pumping away, scoot your butt down a little, this will allow his penis to rub against your clitoris and give you the stimulation you want. Also, flex your vaginal muscles around his penis, this will greatly increase pleasure on both sides.

As for your second question, my gut reaction is to get better lovers! Otherwise, read your mate. Even if you haven't been with someone dozens of times, you can tell when they are close to reaching their intended goal. When their muscles tighten, the breathing gets heavier or whatever their telltale quirk is, SLOW DOWN! If you are on top, this is easy. If he is, wrap your legs around him tightly, signaling a silent plea for a slower pace. Some men are a little dense, so if he continues humping like there's no tomorrow, kiss him deeply, passionately and say, "Baby, no rush. We've got alllll night." Give him a sly, seductive smile. He'll get the hint.

I'm not too clear as to what country you're from, but I'm assuming you're referring to an IUD when you say "coil". In response: douche. It's an important part of being a sexually active, conscious, responsible woman. It's healthy for you and courteous for your partner.

UPDATE FROM BELLE:

My, my the hackles have been raised!

During my GYN rotation in nursing school, I met a lot of stupid women. Trust me, I've got some great stories thanks to the wonderful patients at Family Planning. So let me give a brief insight into the world of douching: Young girls should not douche. By young I mean if she's under the age of consent, no Summer's Eve. Any STDs, yeast infection included, no douching. Make sure to be responsible, use clean equipment and don't douche on a daily basis, it's not meant to replace the good ole soap and water of a shower. For the record, baths? Breeding ground for infections.

Yes, douching can make an infection worse and, if done improperly, can cause infection. To summarize: Use common sense, ladies.

Finally, contrary to popular belief, size does matter... to an extent. To wander into the medical realm again, yes, the elasticity of the vagina is damn impressive, but it is far from a perpetual rubber band. Childbirth is a common culprit of this and, I am pleased to say, has a super easy remedy: Kegel exercises. You mentioned "working on vaginal muscles", but I'd encourage you to be diligent in doing so. Uterine and vaginal prolapse are problems which require serious consideration. Also, try Ben-Wa balls, they are not just practical, but a fun addition. And your partner knowing that you are using Ben-Wa balls will add a suspenseful dimension to your relationship. He'll be thinking about it, knowing you're doing this for him (because he doesn't need to know it's more for you!) all day long and be ready to rip your clothes off at the first sight of you.

Good Luck!
Belle

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Steve says:

1. You should experiment with different masturbation techniques when you are alone. This can include watching porn, playing with dildos / vibrators, or reading my blog. Sounds like you have that last one covered already though...

The point is, you may need a lot of stimulation to get off, maybe more than your guy can dish out in one session. So, once you've found what works for you, have him help you out with it. Maybe he can't pound away at you for 45 minutes, but he might be able to use Mr. Tonka Toy for 43, and then mount you as you're heading down the home stretch.

2. Not all guys can fuck for long periods of time. Sometimes, especially if they are younger, they can have more than one orgasm per session, and if that is the case, him getting off too quickly might not be such a big deal: Just do it again!

If a second helping is not an option, refer to my previous answer. There are other ways for guys to get you off besides intercourse. He's got a mouth and two hands, and you have a drawer full of toys (don't you?)

Another trick I used when I was younger: If you're planning on hooking up on a Saturday night, let's say, he knocks out a good one in the morning; this way, he'll be less, um, explosive that evening. If that doesn't work, he might have to pound out around lunchtime.

One exercise I always use is to try to cut off the flow of urine in mid-piss. It's hard as hell at first, but learning this trick gives a guy control of the muscles down there, and makes it easier to hold back the tidal wave of jizzum trying to get out.

3. Are you dribbling down there on days when you did not have sex?

A little leakage is normal, especially after the guy uncorks a champagne-like blast inside you, but it sounds like it's a bit excessive, and I wonder if it might have to do with your IUD (coil). This is one issue you should speak to your doctor about, to rule out a medical problem.

4. The way I understand it, there are medical procedures to correct this type of thing, but I doubt that you need any. What makes you think you're too big for him? Does he slip out easily, does it not feel as good, etc.? Because all of those problems can be solved by changing positions (doggie works especially well), and experimenting with different angles. Even if you are just doing it missionary, sliding up or down slightly makes a difference!

He says, she says, volume VII

Hi Steve,

I'm a 22 year old male. I'm straight and pretty inexperienced sexually, only having had sex three times till now. Although these encounters were quite pleasurable for me(as I hope they were for my partner), I'm plagued by insecurities regarding penis size. How small is small? I'm exactly 5 inches erect, I want to know whether this is a serious sexual handicap?

Also I have certain questions regarding the anatomy of the penis, mine is curved and has a tendency to hang to the left, also the left testicle hangs lower that the right one, Is this bad medically? I read somewhere that the curvature is called peyronie's disease(?) but couldn't find anything about the 'underhang' (if you will). I feel uncomfortable going to a doctor about this, but will definitely do so if it turns out to be serious. I'd really appreciate any info.

Please reply,
concerned

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Steve says:

Concerned, ever watch Asian porn? You'd be shocked at how small the guys' units are. Obviously they work, though--there are, what, a billion people in China?

Are you so insecure that you are not even talking to girls? Three times total at age 22 seems a bit on the low side. Why only three?

Despite the spam that we all get advertising penis enlargement, assume that what you have is all you're gonna get. You can't save up 13,000 skee ball tickets and get a new cock at the amusement park. Make the most of what you have, my friend.

And for God's sake, don't draw attention to it. Go out, meet girls, talk, laugh, and connect. Act like your pecker is so long you could jump rope with it. And when you get lucky enough to get her clothes off, act like you've been doing it since nursery school. How? Watch porn. When I finally got laid for the first time, I looked a hell of a lot more experienced than I was. Change positions, try different things. Take note of what feels best for you (and her). They say guys with small dicks like it doggie style, so be sure and try that, especially if you've got as much of a bend as you say you do. Is it a handicap? Only if you make it one.

That bent penis of yours might be a blessing in disguise. You're gonna be hitting spots that most guys cannot. Get out there and try it out!

If you are dating someone, and you're not sure you are getting the job done, ask her what she wants. But instead of "Am I big enough for you?" say, "What do you want me to do for you?" Don't obsess over your bend, or your hang to the left, or having one ball lower than the other. As long as you don't have any symptoms, you probably have nothing to worry about. For the record, I think I heard that most guys' left balls hang lower. I really do think you should talk to your doctor about it, though, even though you're uncomfortable. It will give you peace of mind to hear him say that there is nothing wrong.

And by the way, learn to be amazing at oral. Do a search on my blog for some hints on this; I discuss it from time to time.

Good luck, and tell us how you do.

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Ari says:

Dear Concerned;

As tempted as I am to call “bullshit” on your highly suspect email (I mean, my god man, you seem to have everything but a hairy mole on your cock) I will answer you honestly in the hopes that;

-you are legit.
-this does end up being helpful for you.

My first concern is why has a healthy, straight male had sex only three times by the age of 22? No offense, but that’s a tad strange. And I can’t help but note that you said 3 TIMES, not 3 PARTNERS. What’s the story there? And you feel that all your occurrences went over well? I do not know a soul that would say their first time was great – not a one. And yes, I asked around before answering this.

Anyway…

To answer your questions, 5 inches erect is not small. I’d say you’re probably about average. 3 inches erect is small. But what about the width. Have you got any? As we girls, have been you telling you guys for AGES, it isn’t the length, it’s the width. Now, in all fairness, if you are 3’ long than all the width in the world probably won’t matter, but luckily for you this little tidbit is irrelevant. You are not small.

You are however curved, you say. Let’s address that. Curved cocks are only an impediment for oral sex, it’s hard to finagle your head and mouth in a crooked fashion. For sex though, as Paula Jones can tell you, a curved cock rocks. You are hitting spots in a woman’s vagina that a straight dick can rarely hit without some serious movement from your girl. A curved cock has better odds of nearing the g-spot and depending on the position (doggy!) you could probably really get a girl off.

As to the matter of your askew testicles, I’ll let Steve take that ;)

Good luck and enjoy the curve, we ladies sure tend to.

He says, she says - clearing our archive

One of the best things about the holidays is meeting up with old friends that you haven't seen in a while. That's why I'm so glad the Monkey Man is back from his hiatus and blogging again. Be sure and pay him a visit! We missed you, you sick bastard!

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And now, please enjoy some of the questions and answers I've been squirreling away for a day just like this one...

Q: Why is it when I’m having sex blood comes out of my vagina?

Ari says:

Because there is something wrong with your vagina. Whether it happens frequently or not, whether it is period-like or merely a spot, if it happens enough for you to wonder about you need to take your broken little vagina to a doctor immediately. This isn’t a fingernail we’re talking about – you may want a healthy baby to drop out of there one day – take care of yourself and I wish you well.

Steve says:

Are we talking a drip here, like a leaky faucet, or enough to power a hydroelectic plant? I've seen girls bleed down there before, but it's always been a fairly subtle little ooze after a good hard fucking. At any rate, this could be an indication of a serious problem, and it sounds like something you should talk to your doctor about.

Q: When do you know if it is the right moment to have sex?

Ari says:

A general rule of thumb? When in doubt, do without. If you are really wondering then it isn’t the right moment. But moments are irrelevant – it is the person you are having sex with who matters. Ask yourself this, in a worst case scenario, do you think you could weather a sex-related crisis with this person? I can’t tell if you are male or female but let’s say you’re a girl, if you got pregnant – could you talk to this person about it? If you discovered you tested positive for an std – could you picture having a conversation about it? But if you literally mean the right “moment” well then… I’d say as long as you have as long as you …ahem… need, you should be all set.

Steve says:

When she's breathing.

Actually, if you are into heavy petting mode, and you think she might be ready, but you're not sure, one thing you could do is ask her, "Are you ok?" Hopefully she'll say yes, but if she doesn't, then you obviously should stop and talk about what's bothering her. If she does say yes, you should follow up with, "Do you want to stop?" Now, if she does give you the red light, your little ugly-bumping party will come to a crashing halt. But it's better than her filing charges.

Q: Disappointing fuck-

My guy and I just had sex for the first time last week. We've been dating steadily for a month now, and I was REALLY looking forward to finally "sealing the deal". Well, the sex was bad. He has a small penis (not his fault), and he was nervous and quiet. Even his orgasm was quiet! I, on the other hand, wanted to be loud and confident, but I was focusing so hard on trying to please him, that it felt more like work than a pleasurable first time. We are both 26, healthy and in good shape. I am really attracted to him! How do I get him to relax and enjoy himself? Why is he so scared? Any advice? I so want our sex to improve, but the poor thing is terrified.

Sincerely, Meg the Master

Ari says:

Oh Meg. your guy is most likely terrified to fuck because of his tiny penis. And it was sweet of you to add that it wasn't his fault (I'm sure it was not, but note to Steve; this is karmic comeuppance, men with filthy sex lives breed boys with no dicks - heh, don't you hope I'm wrong? I'm not). Anyway.

I'm not sure what to tell you about a guy with a minute cock. Well, I guess the first piece of advice I'd give you is try not to giggle when referring to it as a "cock" like I just did. My second piece of advice is this; get him to fuck you doggy. That is the only way you're going to feel shit. Even the smallest little thing seems bigger from behind. Maybe it could work with you both facing each other and your legs over his. but I sorta doubt it.

Don't stifle yourself during sex (an excellent general rule) - your exuberance will feed his. If your guy believes that you are enjoying yourself, he too will loosen up. I'm guessing that his tiny dick has instilled some serious insecurities in him and therefore sex is awkward, if you want it to be good you have to reassure and encourage him.

And if those don't work, get rid of the cockless wonder and declare it as a charitable deduction on your taxes.

Steve says:

I am hoping for Tiny's sake that "the sex was bad" because he was too uptight, and not because of his microscopic member. Was he big enough (and/or wide enough) to please you? If so, you just need to make him feel more comfortable in the bedroom.

There is no magic bullet to make him suddenly loosen up and enjoy himself. It sounds like this poor bastard was terrified, and the only way he's going to feel better is with lots of encouragement and affection from you.

It sounds like you really like him. Tell him! Tell him that you enjoy your time spent together, that he makes you really happy, that you think about him all day long when he's not with you (some girls prefer to write this stuff down in a letter rather than say it, so feel free). And tell him that nothing would make you happier than to give him the most amazing sex of his life, to please him totally.

Also, be sure to encourage him DURING sex. For God's sake, don't hold back! If it feels really good, feel free to moan, scream, or drop your Pottery Barn catalog. And then, just be patient. It might take a while, but when he starts to loosen up, you better watch out - it sounds like this dude has a lot of pent-up horniness that he needs to let out.

If it is a size issue, there isn't a lot you can do except to experiment with every possible position and angle you can think of. They say doggie works best for poorly-hung men, so be sure to try that.

Please let us know how you do!

Q: I've noticed that I only form relationships with girls after hanging out with them as friends for a while(like 2 to 3 months) most of the time I don't even realise it because I'm not actually looking to form a relationship. anyway these relationship usually go well (because I know the girl well enough now do anything I want) or stay in friend mode (where I can't do anything). My question is how do I actively seek out and start a relationship quickly without the friend stuff? do I compliment her more? ask for a relationship and look desparate?
thanks junior

Ari says:

I have bad news. It isn't that these ladies find you to be such a good friend that they truly fear losing that if they enter into a relationship with you - it's that they aren't interested in more.

I'll tell you a well known secret - having a romantic relationship with someone you adore as a friend is a BONUS. Not a detractor. It's gravy kiddo. That's what nearly every woman wants - to fall in love with her best guy friend. If things aren't progressing with you and your "girl friends" it is because they don't want it to. I doubt you are doing anything wrong other than misreading signs dropped along the way that "they just aren't that into you".

Steve says:

If you want to seek out a relationship quickly, remember the main things girls are attracted to: confidence, a sense of humor, and an ability to make her feel attractive in some way. Notice I didn't say, "physical attractiveness"; yeah, females like a good-looking guy, but it's not as high on the list as you might think.

It sounds like you are a "safe" guy as far as girls are concerned: A nice person who won't try to get down their pants. Trust me, Junior: Let someone else be that guy. If you like her, pay attention to her. Talk to her. Take a chance! Ask her out, to someplace specific, on a specific day. She's not going to walk into the room and sit on your dick; you're going to have to do a little work here, my friend.

And most of all, feel good about yourself. Have confidence. If she says no, so what? Go find another one. Keep trying, and all of a sudden, you'll find yourself on top of some girl who you thought was WAY too hot to be interested in you.

And when you do, send pictures (of her, not you).

Steve

He says, she says, volume V

Dear Steve and Ari:

My boyfriend and I (of almost two years) have a healthy sex life and all that good stuff, however there is a not-so-good thing going on.

I tend to have what is called swamp ass a lot (hate the term but that what it is so...). I don't know what to do about it. I shower, I don't have a huge ass, I am a petite girl of 26. I get it soon after showering. Just by sitting, not even excercising or anything. I don't know what to do, it makes me feel uncomfortable so I am not able to be carefree in the sexcapade of things. When he goes down, I love it but squirm at first until I know he has sniffed the rear out non-chillantly and continues giving that loving gift. When we are screwing and my legs go up, or doggy style when my ass is in his face, I freak out internally.

Sometimes he has a hard time cumming b/c the smell is overwhelming. I am disgusted, dismayed and ashamed of myself. He is kind about fortunately but I want it to end (not his niceness, the smell of course).

I have put is as blunt as possible. What is a girl to do?

-Feelin Icky in the Bum

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Ari says:

Dear Marsh-a;

First of all I want to start off by telling you something, I have a lot of guy friends and what I understand is this; they are so glad to be getting laid, they are certainly not going to let a little natural body scent get in the way.

That said, I'm assuming you have tried showering pre-sex and a dash of talcum powder. I also would not rule out using a fragrance free, sensitive skin deodorant/anti-perspirant. Yes, in your ass. But allowing for the fact that you've tried those, I'd suggest you buy yourself some baby wipes, stick them in a ziploc bag and go into the bathroom and wipe up a bit before you start fooling around.

As far as his inability to cum because of your odor... I gotta tell you, I can't picture that being the reason. If the scent was that much of a turn off he wouldn't be able to get turned on. Guys are, as a general rule, stinky creatures. I PROMISE you, they do not scare as easily as you think.

I hope this was helpful, let us know, please!

====================

Steve says:

Dear Icky:

First and foremost, we need to know if you are leaving Mr. Bunghole whistle-clean after each.... evacuation, or if your Hershey Highway is marred by skid marks.

Do you wipe with toilet paper only? Or do you use pre-moistened, flushable bathroom wipes? If you don't use them now, go out and buy some, and use them every single time you dump. Use warm, soapy water to clean back there in the shower, too (I reccommend changing washcloths before exfoliating your face, however). Toilet paper is NOT your friend; it's actually a terrible thing to wipe your ass with. Don't believe me? Next time you drop the kids off at the pool, wipe with toilet paper as best you can, then use a bathroom wipe and see how much residue (or should I say, "residoodie") was left behind.

The first few times you try this, squat over a large mirror and check out the whole area after you are done to make sure you, um, got everything. Next, monitor the smell (and your underwear) carefully. Does the swamp ass still come back? If so, I would recommend seeing your doctor about the.... ooze (or invest in a lot of corks). I do not believe it is normal to be giving off a smell like that after a thorough cleaning of your nether region.

I am tempted to come up with all sorts of clever ideas on how to minimize the smell while you are screwing, but I really believe this is a hygeine issue that can be solved, so I'd like you to try the above ideas first.

I am glad you are addressing your problem, and I am sure your boyfriend is too. Sex is almost never bad, but bathroom smells can be a definite distraction. A potty mouth is fine; a potty ASS isn't.

Please get back to us and let us know how you do.

Steve

He says, she says, volume IV

Dear Steve and Ari:

I have this friend. I find her extremely attractive, but I don't want to try and initiate something and then lose out on her company. We get along really well and always have entertaining conversations. On the other hand, it's kind of hard to tell what she's feeling because, as a rule, she's friendly with everybody.

To complicate things, she's 34 and I'm 18, which is a revelation for everybody who meets her. The first time I met her my guess was 24. To give the situation some context, we're both in the same film program at a technical school. She comes over and hangs out at my place with a few of my other buddies after the shoots.

Based on my best judgement (that is, probably not great), I have the best chances out of all of us. So, like I said, I really enjoy her friendship, but I would like to give dating a shot. How to ease into that? Suggestions?-Justin

**********
Ari says:

Justin,

she's 34 and you're 18. I see. And what are you hoping for with a person almost 2x your age? If you want a relationship, I'd say it looks grim. I mean, your pop culture references are all off, you can't go out drinking with her... not a good sign. I think in the end the large berth of age difference will doom you both. If you want to be her friend with benefits, I say the odds here are TOTALLY in your favor. As a 32 year old woman, I'd love {!!!} to play with an 18 year old. I'm also willing to bet she'd be one of the best lovers you've had and vice versa.

Keep in mind too that you are together a lot because of school - you will have to see her a lot still, try not to embarrass yourself or create awkwardness that is insurmountable. I'd suggest you strive for a physical friendship.

**********
Steve says:

Justin,

First off, your goal here is not to "ease into" anything. You are much younger than this girl, and if you want her to think of you as an equal, you're going to have to show an inordinate amount of confidence. Abandon all pretense, and go for it with guns blazing - or don't go for it at all.

Ask her out. Invite her to dinner, or offer to cook her something at your house. Ask her to go someplace specific, with you, so she knows you aren't just asking her to hang out with the gang.

Pay extra attention to how you talk to her. Never say "um", "er", "uh", and so on. Be polished.

Be assertive. Be decisive. Take control of the situation, whether it's a blowout on the highway at 60 MPH, or the group arguing about where to go for donuts at 3:00am. When you take charge, she'll notice. Believe me. There is a chance she thinks of you as nothing more than a snot-nosed kid, and it's your job to erase that.

One other thing - and you mentioned this yourself - be sure this is what you want, because if it doesn't work out, you might not have her as a friend anymore. Personally, I'd go for it.

He says, she says, volume III

Here's our latest question. As you read the replies, keep in mind that Ari and I did NOT see each other's answers when we wrote our own. The similarities are pretty eerie...

Keep those questions coming guys!

Dear Steve and Ari:

Gotta question for ya: What steps are necessary to continue dating women without ending up in a relationship? I.e. what pitfalls should be avoided at all costs to avoid giving the impression that you're ready to become serious with someone?

Thanks,
Dating Fool

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ARI SAYS:

Well Foolish;

you've not given us much to go on here so I'm flyin' blind. Not sure how long you've been half assed dating this poor girl but here are my suggestions:

1. Keep this girl away from your parents and their home {nothing says long term like your family and familial home}
2. Keep the chatter away from things like "one day" and "I can see myself"
3. Don't get into the habit of staying the night post-sex {if I were you I'd leave every time}
4. Be a man, not a jackass, and tell her openly you aren't exclusive.

Hope these were helpful - I can't help but think you are somewhat of an ass for wasting your time and hers though.

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STEVE SAYS:

If you play your cards right, you can keep her at arm's length, continue to nail her, and avoid all (most) ugly confrontations, until she dumps you and you move on to the next one.

Make sure you set boundaries. Don't let her sleep over your house. Don't sleep over hers. If she says, "I love you," let her know that you are really flattered, but you are just not in a place to reciprocate right now.

Manage her expectations. Let her know early on that you are not looking for a commitment, but don't keep reminding her. If you tell her once, your position stands until you reverse it.

Manage your OWN expectations, too. Don't expect this to last forever. It's probably going to end, and end badly. But if you are truly not ready for commitment, it's going to happen.

He says, she says, volume II

Here's the latest reader question. Enjoy!

Do you have a question for Steve and Ari? If so, we'd love to hear from you!


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Dear Steve and Ari:

I am engaged to get married in December of this year. Although currently my fiance and I are not sleeping together we have in the past... I have found that I am really REALLY sensitive to him fingering me or going down on me I cum after less than a minute (really frustrating) is there any way to "build up resistance" I'd like our time in bed to last more than a commercial break.....
-A

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STEVE SAYS:

I hear this question a lot from guys, and I think (hope) a lot of the same advice would apply to a girl having the same issue. A few things to try:

1. Muscle control. An orgasm is mainly a series of rapid-fire muscle contractions. With practice, some people are able to relax all their pelvic muscles and stave off orgasm almost indefinitely. Just think of it as loosening up all your muscles down there, like when you are peeing, and focusing on KEEPING them relaxed during stimulation. Most guys I know can't do it, and I don't know if a girl has ever tried it, but it's worth a shot.

2. You might try reducing the sensation by getting one of these "reduced sensation" condoms and cutting it open up the side and opening it up so it's a flat sheet, then spreading it over your "love zone" while your guy works on you.

3. Along the same lines, maybe he could use ice (wrapped in a t-shirt or washcloth), or a popsicle on you (I did this recently; she seemed to like it)...the cold might help to reduce sensitivity and slow things down for you a bit.

4. Do you masturbate before you guys hook up? Maybe you could do that in front of him, and THEN have him get started on you. The second climax usually takes longer, in my experience. But remember: If you are going to pleasure yourself in front of him, you'd better be prepared to finish him off. He's gonna need it ;-).

Remember also, the solution may be a combination of several of the above.

Hope this helps. Let us know how you do!

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ARI SAYS:

Hey there A, and congrats on snagging the guy! well done.

I used to be in the same boat, hell, I was so supersensitive a few minutes of focused attention on my nipples and I'd be gone. And obviously, that's not ideal. I can tell you what I did and you'll see if this works for you.

You have to start masturbating and teasing yourself. You have to desensitize yourself a bit so that you can prolong the fun you and your fiance' have together. I'd recommend that you start with a vibrator and slowly work yourself, until you are about to climax. Knowing yourself best, you'll be able to gauge it fairly well, I'd assume. You have to do this often, stopping just short of coming until your resistance is raised. Try different things, positions and toys. And most importantly, have your fiance' mix things up and never let him linger in the same area for too long.

"He says, she says" for the week of July 5, 2004

Here it is, guys....our first installment of "He says, she says"! Enjoy!

Keep those questions coming (see the link on the sidebar to your right)...

If we didn't get to your question this week, look for it next week.....

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Giving guys the "green light"

Question - as a lady who is interested in revisiting her "inner woman" do
you have any tips as to how to let a man know you are interested while in a
public setting? I have not dated for a LONG time but I do not have any
real sexual hangups. (that is the hard part for me - once I get over the
"meeting" hurdle I am usually good to go)

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STEVE'S REPLY:

As the woman, I believe you have the upper hand in these situations. Right or wrong, most men plan on being the "aggressor" who approaches you. And they will do so, not really knowing if you will like them or not. Use this to your advantage! Make him do most of the talking early on, until you feel comfortable.

If a guy does not seem to notice you, there are a few things you can do short of introducing yourself. Make "incidental" eye contact and give him a little smile. Brush up against him on the way by and say, "excuse me!" [bat, bat go the eyelashes], and see if he takes the bait.

Another good tactic is to ask someone else who is there if they know who he is. JUST if they know him, not that "ooooooooh, he's cute!!" Of course, if they say, "do you like him?" then you could say, "Well, yes, he is attractive!" as if you hadn't thought about it before.

You could always introduce yourself, but to me, this should be a last resort. By all means, do it if you have to - and feel good about it!

When a guy is speaking to you, make sure you are a good listener (unless you are bored as hell and want to get outta there). Make lots of eye contact. Nod periodically, and throw little comments in here and there: "Oh, yeah, NOW I get it", "You're KIDDING!", "Oh, I didn't know that!", etc. etc.

And as you mentioned, this should be an easy thing: If you are truly compatible, the conversation should flow very easily after the initial awkwardness. Good luck! Let us know how you do!
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ARI'S REPLY:

OK... you say you want to make it clear to a man that you are interested while in public. I have a few questions for you:

Is this while you are on a date with a man? Or, are we talking random guy, random guy sort of thing? Additionally, how comfortable are you being forward? And most importantly; are you looking to get laid or have a boyfriend?

The latter question is the more prevalent one as I am a firm believer that these are very different goals and ought to be approached as such.

If you are reserved and looking to make your wants clear to a random guy, then I agree with Steve entirely. Eye contact, accidental bumping into, running your finger over your collar bringing his eyes down a bit - all good.

Guys like a challenge but they also like to know that the challenge, if met, can yeild successful rewards. If you come on too hard and seem to easy, you'll be the girl that doesn't get his attention until 2am, when the crowd has thinned drastically. If you just want to get laid, then who cares, be forward, go for it. Be unabashed.

If you want this to be "something" well then... date a woman, men are too difficult. If you're dead set on having a man, a challenge is what you must be, but a charming one. Smile, when you are talking to him, be engaging and involved in the conversation without talking his ear off. No man cares about the girl in your office that drives you crazy or how marked down your Manolos were. Don't be clingy, don't ask him where he has been while not calling you and the such. You're no doubt a very social and active person, such a person is far too busy in their own right to notice the absence of a guy.

I hope this was helpful.
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"Skirting" the issue

Would wearing a kilt get one laid? The questions about what one is wearing under it would seem to be an advantage.
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STEVE'S REPLY:

If you were in Scotland, maybe. Or at a Halloween party. Other than that, I am not particularly fond of costumes, or gimmicks.

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ARI'S REPLY:

Will wearing a kilt get you laid? I dunno, would wearing cleats and a football helmet get you to fuck me? I didn't think so...

For the record, it's best to be naked {or in the girl's case, wearing heels} when getting laid.

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Eating disorder

I slept with this guy last week. I am clean, and I taste good, I know, I tasted myself on him. But why wouldn't he go down on me. He has had PLENTY of experience, so I doubt its that. I went down on him a LOT. Can't a guy just return the favor?
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ARI'S REPLY:

Maybe he already had fish for dinner. lol...
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STEVE'S REPLY:

Some guys have a problem in that area. Sometimes they don't like the smell, or the taste, or the idea that "bathroom things" go on down there. They might feel that way even if you don't. Have other guys done this for you? Because believe me, not every guy is interested in doing this, no matter who the girl is. And let's face it: It doesn't taste like caviar!

Some guys have an "intimacy issue" about it: in otherwords, they won't do "that" with someone they just met, even if they are already screwing her. What can I say? We are weird.

I would suggest that, the next time you two are having a mellow (non-sexual) moment alone, such as after a nice dinner, you just casually say, "You know what would be really nice? If you went down on me sometime." Your goal is to start the conversation and find out what his problem with this is, but in a very non-threatening, non-angry way.

If his problem is the "grossness" factor, you can do several things:

1. Offer to shave down there (TOTALLY shave);
2. Offer to take a shower together first so you will be extra-fresh;
3. Make a "dental dam" by taking a condom and cutting it to the center, then opening it up (make sure your scissors are sharp). When you do this, you will have a latex sheet that he can place over your vagina while he "eats" you. You can use flavored and/or textured condoms, if you like.

I DON'T recommend spraying perfume or anything like that down there. Ever get perfume in your mouth? YUCK!

If this is just an intimacy issue, you may have to be patient for a while while he gets comfortable with you...
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"Idle" worship

Can I just start off by saying that you are my new hero... In my countless efforts to get more than one pussy I fail miserably as they all seem to find out about each other and all leave (bar the ugly ones). How exatly do you get so many girls/women to fuck you? please share your secrets...

p.s. what is your record of # of girls in one day/night (24 hours)? and does it beat my record of 5?
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STEVE'S REPLY:

I've been with two girls in a 24-hour period, a couple of times. In fact, I may have done it once with Lila and Kelly since I started this blog. The only way I can see you doing five in a day is if you were on one of those porn cruises, or on a ranch. With a lot of sheep.

My secrets are no secrets. Be sociable. Be outgoing. Take an interest in what the girl has to say. Bring up your own experiences that relate to what she is saying.

You will notice that I'm very careful to avoid girls that know each other, and to avoid situations where one might see me with the other. Check out my blog: I turned down a perfectly hot girl who was interested in me (Julie) because she works in the same office as me and Lila.
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