Friday, July 28, 2006

He says, she says, volume VII

Hi Steve,

I'm a 22 year old male. I'm straight and pretty inexperienced sexually, only having had sex three times till now. Although these encounters were quite pleasurable for me(as I hope they were for my partner), I'm plagued by insecurities regarding penis size. How small is small? I'm exactly 5 inches erect, I want to know whether this is a serious sexual handicap?

Also I have certain questions regarding the anatomy of the penis, mine is curved and has a tendency to hang to the left, also the left testicle hangs lower that the right one, Is this bad medically? I read somewhere that the curvature is called peyronie's disease(?) but couldn't find anything about the 'underhang' (if you will). I feel uncomfortable going to a doctor about this, but will definitely do so if it turns out to be serious. I'd really appreciate any info.

Please reply,


Steve says:

Concerned, ever watch Asian porn? You'd be shocked at how small the guys' units are. Obviously they work, though--there are, what, a billion people in China?

Are you so insecure that you are not even talking to girls? Three times total at age 22 seems a bit on the low side. Why only three?

Despite the spam that we all get advertising penis enlargement, assume that what you have is all you're gonna get. You can't save up 13,000 skee ball tickets and get a new cock at the amusement park. Make the most of what you have, my friend.

And for God's sake, don't draw attention to it. Go out, meet girls, talk, laugh, and connect. Act like your pecker is so long you could jump rope with it. And when you get lucky enough to get her clothes off, act like you've been doing it since nursery school. How? Watch porn. When I finally got laid for the first time, I looked a hell of a lot more experienced than I was. Change positions, try different things. Take note of what feels best for you (and her). They say guys with small dicks like it doggie style, so be sure and try that, especially if you've got as much of a bend as you say you do. Is it a handicap? Only if you make it one.

That bent penis of yours might be a blessing in disguise. You're gonna be hitting spots that most guys cannot. Get out there and try it out!

If you are dating someone, and you're not sure you are getting the job done, ask her what she wants. But instead of "Am I big enough for you?" say, "What do you want me to do for you?" Don't obsess over your bend, or your hang to the left, or having one ball lower than the other. As long as you don't have any symptoms, you probably have nothing to worry about. For the record, I think I heard that most guys' left balls hang lower. I really do think you should talk to your doctor about it, though, even though you're uncomfortable. It will give you peace of mind to hear him say that there is nothing wrong.

And by the way, learn to be amazing at oral. Do a search on my blog for some hints on this; I discuss it from time to time.

Good luck, and tell us how you do.


Ari says:

Dear Concerned;

As tempted as I am to call “bullshit” on your highly suspect email (I mean, my god man, you seem to have everything but a hairy mole on your cock) I will answer you honestly in the hopes that;

-you are legit.
-this does end up being helpful for you.

My first concern is why has a healthy, straight male had sex only three times by the age of 22? No offense, but that’s a tad strange. And I can’t help but note that you said 3 TIMES, not 3 PARTNERS. What’s the story there? And you feel that all your occurrences went over well? I do not know a soul that would say their first time was great – not a one. And yes, I asked around before answering this.


To answer your questions, 5 inches erect is not small. I’d say you’re probably about average. 3 inches erect is small. But what about the width. Have you got any? As we girls, have been you telling you guys for AGES, it isn’t the length, it’s the width. Now, in all fairness, if you are 3’ long than all the width in the world probably won’t matter, but luckily for you this little tidbit is irrelevant. You are not small.

You are however curved, you say. Let’s address that. Curved cocks are only an impediment for oral sex, it’s hard to finagle your head and mouth in a crooked fashion. For sex though, as Paula Jones can tell you, a curved cock rocks. You are hitting spots in a woman’s vagina that a straight dick can rarely hit without some serious movement from your girl. A curved cock has better odds of nearing the g-spot and depending on the position (doggy!) you could probably really get a girl off.

As to the matter of your askew testicles, I’ll let Steve take that ;)

Good luck and enjoy the curve, we ladies sure tend to.

Tuesday, July 04, 2006

"I don't know, my back is really killing me..."


"What, Tim?"

Her head lolls in slow motion across the generic white pillow and her eyes open slowly, like rusty car doors.


"Howser's dad? Who the hell is Howser? You mean Dick Howser, the baseball guy?"

"Grrr," she says, trying to roll her eyes. "How's...yer...Dad."

"Oh! You're asking about my father! Just a second, Tim."

I dash out of the room for two minutes. "Ask him yourself," I say, returning to her bedside.

Dad pushes his walker up to the bed. "You see? When you're in the hospital I come and see you," he gushes.

"Frankieee," Tim whispers, and touches an IV'd hand to his cheek.

"How are you feeling, sweetheart?" Dad says.


We laugh out loud.

"Hey, I hope you don't mind, but they gave your excess boobs to the flat-chested nurse down the hall," Dad cracks.


"The doctor said you did really well," I say.

"You mean it's over?"

"Yeah, it's all done."

She puts her chin to her chest and looks down. "Oh my fuckin' God."


"Tell that nurse I want my tits back."

Dad almost falls out of his chair laughing.

Wednesday, June 21, 2006
Tim and Steve's house

"I'm perky!" Tim says to the full-length mirror. "Hun, look! I'm perky!"

She lifts her grey stretchy bra, revealing two scarred yet perfectly sculpted B cups. They look just like a teenager's breasts, firm and bouncy.

"Touch them!"

"Don't they hurt?"

"A little. Be gentle!"

A cup them in my hands like broken glass, and go instantly hard. I have all I can do not to squeeze them.

"I like them!"

"I can tell," she giggles.

"You see? You're still sexy!"

"Thank you, sweetie. Hey, one other thing."


"You're not still getting that dick reduction, are you?"