Monday, May 31, 2004

Devious shit

I know it's late, but I am going to keep writing because there are some things I don't want to forget.

Doc says he wants me in a 12-step program. Sorry, but I don't want to walk into some church basement and see my marketing manager, or my next-door neighbor, in the same meeting. I know it's confidential, but I don't want anybody knowing that shit about me. Call me anal.

I sometimes feel ashamed of how devious I am. I drive a convertable BMW and have a nice family-ready house in the suburbs, but I live alone. The car is good for attracting young girls (sometimes too young), and the house is good for older ones. I look for excuses to get women to come over....they seem impressed that I am so capable of living this way as a single guy. I like the house and the car, but the ulterior motives were def. on my mind when I bought them.

Yesterday, my assignment was to count how many times I thought about sex during the entire day. I was awake for 14 hours (7 to 9) and I counted 62 times. I really am sick, aren't I?

I have done all kinds of shit that I should feel guilty about, but the only thing I did that bothers me was when I took this one girl's virginity. I lubed the hell out of her, ate her for 10 minutes, and still she was tight as a drum.....guys, imagine fucking a thimble. She kept begging me to keep going, that she wanted it. Finally I finished, and she sat on the bed crying. It HURT!! I felt incredibly greedy and selfish.

I've cheated on just about every girlfriend I've ever had. When I am with someone, I am more eager to fuck around then when I am single. I always feel like the girl, whoever she is, is trying to "trap" me into a more serious relationship than I want. Fucking other girls, or at least hooking up with them, makes me feel better. Getting caught is almost a relief: She usually dumps me, thus avoiding "the talk," which is a big fat pain in the ass.

My sexual appetite is voracious. The most orgasms I ever had in one day was 6: I woke up one day, whacked off, screwed my girlfriend twice around mid-morning, then later that night, three times more.

Lila is the only one who really "satisfies" me, and then only when we do it for at least 20 minutes. Any less is a "quickie" as far as I am concerned, and it's not enough for me. More often than not, after I get laid I go home and whack off. Imagine you are starving, and someone gives you a little bowl of soup and sends you home. You're worse off than when you started!

Two more items, then bed: My engagement, and Lila.

Life recap

OK, let's recap my life, in 2 minutes or less:

-two brothers, one older, one younger;
-dad works in a factory, crazy hours;
-mom is a major alcoholic, "dries out" periodically, disappears for weeks or months at a time, comes home, breaks things, leaves again. Last time I spoke to her was Christmas Day of last year. She was wasted at 11:00 am. It's a wonder I was born with all my fingers and toes, I tell ya.
-I was a fat kid, pretty popular though....I used to beat people up for no reason. I was angry and brooding, you could say.
-Being a fat kid (and fat young adult), I had zero success with girls. There aren't too many things more embarrassing than asking a girl out and getting laughed at.
-Lost 50 pounds between my 20th and 21st birthday.
-Finally lost my virginity at 21. She was 25. She taught me a lot. She is married with kids now, but we still talk from time to time.
-I have had intercourse with a total of 34 women.
-I can't get out of bed in the morning without either jerking off or having sex.
-I am currently screwing my 17-year-old secretary, "Lila" (fake name - all names in this blog will be fake). I hired her at $10 per hour, even though she had no experience, figuring I could get her into bed sooner or later.

She is a hellion: She drinks, smokes (cigarettes and pot), experiments with other drugs (coke, LSD, etc), skips school, etc.

It took months, but I finally fucked her on Christmas Eve last year (an eventful time for me, wasn't it?) We have been screwing 2 or 3 times a week since then. It's the best sex I have ever had. Sometimes I think I am falling in love with her. But she is half my age, and more fucked up than I am, I'd say. This is probably going to end badly.

Which is why Doc says I am drawn to her. He says that it's exactly the kind of relationship I want: Fuck, fuck, and fuck some more, then break all ties.

My therapist doesn't like it, but....

My therapist (who will henceforth be known as "Doc") has instructed me to keep a diary of my life, and to write in it once per day. I am also to read it cover to cover once per week.

I told him I might try to do a blog instead of a written diary, and he didn't seem very keen. Fuck him.

Let me just cut to the chase.

I am a 33-year-old white male. I am a high-level executive for a national insurance company. You've heard the name. I was engaged once, but have never been married and have no kids.

The problem is, I take all kinds of chances with women. Hitting on, and, if successful, having sex with, women I really should steer clear of. Married women. Employees. Young girls. I am just begging for a huge problem. But I love sex, and the thrill and the danger just add to it.

I am reminded of what Robert Downey, Jr. said to the judge after being arrested for drugs, again: "It's like there's a revolver in my mouth and I like the taste of the gunmetal".

Yeah, that about sums it up.

Read on. And be glad it's not you.