Sunday, January 08, 2006

Happy new year, my ass

Thanks, all, for your kind words at this difficult time.

Dad was rushed to the hospital several days ago with kidney failure. When your kidneys don't work, fluid backs up, sometimes into your lungs, which makes it difficult or impossible to breathe. It also releases massive amounts of Potassium into your bloodstream, which interferes with the electricity of the heart.

Dad somehow survived all that (after a very scary 12 hours) and he seems to be recovering reasonably well. However, he's also got a raging infection and they are struggling to find out where it's coming from. Hopefully we'll know more tomorrow. As of now, he's heavily sedated and the most we can get out of him is a nod. Sometimes he'll open his eyes and look at us for 10 seconds or so. Hey, it could be a lot worse.

I'm spending a lot of time with him and the whole family, but I managed to squeeze out an update for you. Hopefully there'll be more soon.


December 10, 2005, 10:22PM
Steve's computer room

Date: December 10, 2005, 10:01PM
Subject: WHERE R U?????

steve please talk to me

Date: December 10, 2005, 10:06PM
Subject: hello

steve i know ur ignoring me but please just answer 2 tell me ur ok

Date: December 10, 2005, 10:11PM
Subject: hi
ru there

Date: December 10, 2005, 10:21PM
Subject: whatever

steve ur an asshole

I click the delete key four times in a row, and her messages are gone. But no button can erase this creepy feeling.

I have come to realize that the "stalkers" I had before were nothing of the sort: They left me a couple of pissed-off messages, then got on with their lives. Holly is clearly in this for the long haul - single-mindedly committed to eroding my defenses, barraging me with voice mail and email until I finally crack under the pressure and ride off in my convertible to some happily ever after with her next to me. For some reason, the thought of looking to my right and seeing Holly there, idly stretching the chewing gum out of her mouth while Fallout Boy blares from the stereo, fills me with a horrible sense of dread.

Maybe I'll send her a not-so-subtle message. I'll block her email address, and her messages won't go through. Then, maybe she'll get frustrated and give up.

I know it's crap. This will frustrate her, all right, but her anger will simply strengthen her resolve. She'll be even angrier than she is now, and she'll harrass me more. This will probably backfire.

But I'm feeling vulnerable, and my desire to build a wall around myself wins out. It somehow makes me feel safer knowing that I can distance her from me.

I click the Block Sender key.

It works - for about an hour.

Date: December 11, 2005, 12:03AM
Subject: ru serious?!?

RU blocking me? why? what did i ever do to you? You are so rude!

I click Block Sender again, and the adrenaline rages inside me as I realize that the battle is on.

I know she'll get pissed. Fuck her. I can do this all night if I have to. I'll block her bitchy little psychopathic booty forever, until my fucking hand falls off from fatigue. It's harder to set up a new email address than it is to block one.

Date: December 11, 2005, 12:22AM

The subject field is blank, and there are about 100 empty lines. I almost delete the message, but instinctively, I scroll down to the end, and my mouse finger trembles as I read what is typed there:

"die asshole die die die die die die die die die"