Monday, January 31, 2005

DIALING under the influence

Many of you ask me if Lila and I still keep in touch. Yes, we do. But with the way the calls have been going lately, sometimes I wish we didn't.

It's January 14, around 10:30. Steph is asleep on the couch. My phone rings.



"Hi! How are you?"


"How's it going?"


"Why shitty?"

"You're an asshole."

"Why am I an asshole?"

"You just are."

"I'm not sure what you want me to say, Lila."

"You used me."

"I USED you? Do you know the trouble I could have gotten into for being with you?"

Something of a lame excuse, yeah. But until she calls me on it, I'm using it.

"That's bullshit. The boss fucking LOVES you. You could have gotten away with it."

Guess she's calling me on it.

"Is that right?"

"Yeah. I would have quit for you. All you had to do was say so and I would have quit. I would have done ANYTHING for you. And you fucking DUMPED me. After a YEAR!"

"It's time to move on. I'm with someone else, you're with someone else..."

"I hate you. You think you can just... move on after you dump me."

"It wasn't working out! What am I supposed to do? Mourn for the rest of my life?"

"YOU said it wasn't working out! I never said that! It WAS working out! You just got tired of me and dumped me!"

"What do you mean, it was working out? You were being a major bitch to me every day!"

"Because YOU were acting like an asshole!"

"So everything was fine, then?"

"For me it was."

"Fine, then I'm an asshole. So why are you calling then?"

"You're such a dick!"

OK, make up your mind here, honey: Asshole or dick? Choose a body part and stick with it.

"Fine, I'm a dick."

"Fuck you!" click.

I turn around. Steph is sitting up, staring at me.

Two minutes pass. My phone rings again. I look back at Steph.

"You gonna answer?"


"Just answer it."


Lila is crying.

"It's ok."

"I love you so much. I miss you."

"Lila, you have Trey now. Aren't you guys still together?"

"He's an asshole."

Pretty soon, we'll have enough for an asshole convention!


"Can I come over?"


"Is she there?"


More crying.

"Lila. It wasn't right, you and me. It wasn't gonna work."

"Do you love her?"

"That's not relevant."

"DO you?"

"Yeah. Yes, I do."

"So you just used me until you found someone you liked, then."

"OK, Lila, you're just being crazy now."

"Is she prettier than me? Or better in bed? Or smarter? Is she fucking PERFECT?"

"Lila, I'm hanging up now."



"Can I ask you a question? Before you go get laid?"

"What, Lila."

"Did you cheat on me with her?"

Well, let's see. We were kind of unofficially broken up, and then Steph blew me. Crazy story: I came right in her eye that first night. Funny, eh?

"I don't see the relevance."

"DID you?"

"Lila, stop doing this to yourself-"

"DID you!?"

"No. I gotta go."