Thursday, April 06, 2006

Your eyes do not deceive you

Nice to know you guys are still checking in. Things have settled down, a little, so I will try and post a bit more often.

March 31, 2006, 8pm
Steve's house

"Hon?" says Tim.


"Do you realize we're gonna be living together tomorrow?"

"Yeah, 'cause you don't live here already. All your shit is already here! Your move is basically going to be sending in an address change to the post office."

"I've slept home a few nights."

"Tim. I think you've slept home twice this year."

This is different, though. No matter how many nights in a row she sleeps here, she can always take off for home if something goes wrong. We have had a couple of bad screaming matches in which we both needed to cool off alone, and we managed to do so without leaving the house, but it's been nice knowing that her place was available if she needed it.

This move made sense, anyway. Financially, it's going to be huge for us to be able to rent out her condo; she can pay her mortgage and still have a lot of money left over each month, which we'll stash while we figure out what to do with it; we could buy a new van for her catering business, or a boat, or save it for--gulp--our kids' college.

Did I just say that?

Oh yeah, your boy Stevo is in a right proper state these days, folks. The other day, I caught myself saying "When we get married..." to Tim, as if it's not even a question anymore. I told her that we need to live together for a year before we can discuss marriage, but I think if I asked her tomorrow, she'd say yes. But don't go thinking I've totally lost my mischievous streak.

The phone.

"Can you give me a reference?" asks Vicky.

"A reference? For what?"

A doctor to remove your bunions? Someone to sandblast your brick walk? A nice porn site?

"A job! I'm interviewing with a new company. Can they call you?"

That would be an interesting call: "Yes, I would highly recommend hiring this chick. Have you looked at her mouth? I mean really looked at it? The way her lips form a dick-shaped hole when she puckers them? A dick fits in there perfectly, too, believe me."

"I'd be glad to, but you never actually worked for me--"

The other line rings.

"You gotta get me outta dis friggin' place," Dad says.

We moved Dad into an assisted living home after he was released from the hospital. We can all sleep easier knowing that doctors and nurses are nearby, but Dad has made a 100% recovery; in fact, he's healthier than he's been in a while, and he doesn't think he belongs there.

"What happened, Dad?"

"Dere's nothing but old geezers in here! My next door neighbor shit his pants at dinner! He shit his friggin' pants, Steve!"

"Take my advice: If the oatmeal looks brown tomorrow morning, don't eat it."

"I'm not kidding!"

"Dad, lemme call you back."

I click over and Vicky is gone. I call her.

"Hello?" says a male voice. Must be her husband.

"Hi, I'm looking for Vicky?"

"Who's this?" he growls.

"It's Steve."

"Steve who?"

"Caruso. I know her from--"

"Oh, Steve! How you doing?"

Great, just great. By the way, did your wife ever mention that I fucked her?

"Very well, thanks. How's married life treating you?"

"Super. I've got a great woman here, I'll tell you that."

You ain't kidding. Like, this one time? She let me fuck her up the ass. It took a while to get in there, but once I got it going, I pulled out, just like they do in the porno movies, and that sucker was wide open. It looked like the Holland Tunnel!


"You know, I really appreciate you--"

I fucked your wife

"--giving her this recommendation--"

I fucked your wife

"It really means a lot to us--"

I fucked your wife I fucked your wife I fucked your wife ifuckedyourwifeifuckedyourwifeifuckedyourwifeifuckedyourwife

"You got it, man."

"She'll be here in just a minute. She just ran out to the car."

Remember when you were at that dental convention in Chicago? It just so happens that, at that exact same time, Vicky was deep throating me with that wet, cavernous mouth of hers. So while you were lecturing about Gingivitis to guys named Ira and David, there was an entirely different kind of oral care going on! Amazing how she suppresses that gag reflex, by the by.

"Here she is. Steve, take it easy, ok?"

I have to say, your wife has amazing tits. Small and hard--perkiness is not a bad thing! She'll never be an old battle axe with her boobs in her underwear. And you know what's funny? The way she wears that big cross around her neck. It used to bounce against her chest when I fucked her. It's nice to watch, but I'm guessing Jesus doesn't appreciate the visual.

"Hey Mike, it's good to talk to you."

"You too."

Before you go, we should probably talk about that popsicle thing. I know I'd be pissed if some guy fucked my chick with a popsicle. In fact, pretty much any dessert food being rammed up her snatch would piss me off, if it weren't being done by me.

Vicky comes back on the line. "What are you laughing at, Steve?"

"I just thought of an old joke."