Monday, November 28, 2005

He says, she says - clearing our archive

One of the best things about the holidays is meeting up with old friends that you haven't seen in a while. That's why I'm so glad the Monkey Man is back from his hiatus and blogging again. Be sure and pay him a visit! We missed you, you sick bastard!


And now, please enjoy some of the questions and answers I've been squirreling away for a day just like this one...

Q: Why is it when I’m having sex blood comes out of my vagina?

Ari says:

Because there is something wrong with your vagina. Whether it happens frequently or not, whether it is period-like or merely a spot, if it happens enough for you to wonder about you need to take your broken little vagina to a doctor immediately. This isn’t a fingernail we’re talking about – you may want a healthy baby to drop out of there one day – take care of yourself and I wish you well.

Steve says:

Are we talking a drip here, like a leaky faucet, or enough to power a hydroelectic plant? I've seen girls bleed down there before, but it's always been a fairly subtle little ooze after a good hard fucking. At any rate, this could be an indication of a serious problem, and it sounds like something you should talk to your doctor about.

Q: When do you know if it is the right moment to have sex?

Ari says:

A general rule of thumb? When in doubt, do without. If you are really wondering then it isn’t the right moment. But moments are irrelevant – it is the person you are having sex with who matters. Ask yourself this, in a worst case scenario, do you think you could weather a sex-related crisis with this person? I can’t tell if you are male or female but let’s say you’re a girl, if you got pregnant – could you talk to this person about it? If you discovered you tested positive for an std – could you picture having a conversation about it? But if you literally mean the right “moment” well then… I’d say as long as you have as long as you …ahem… need, you should be all set.

Steve says:

When she's breathing.

Actually, if you are into heavy petting mode, and you think she might be ready, but you're not sure, one thing you could do is ask her, "Are you ok?" Hopefully she'll say yes, but if she doesn't, then you obviously should stop and talk about what's bothering her. If she does say yes, you should follow up with, "Do you want to stop?" Now, if she does give you the red light, your little ugly-bumping party will come to a crashing halt. But it's better than her filing charges.

Q: Disappointing fuck-

My guy and I just had sex for the first time last week. We've been dating steadily for a month now, and I was REALLY looking forward to finally "sealing the deal". Well, the sex was bad. He has a small penis (not his fault), and he was nervous and quiet. Even his orgasm was quiet! I, on the other hand, wanted to be loud and confident, but I was focusing so hard on trying to please him, that it felt more like work than a pleasurable first time. We are both 26, healthy and in good shape. I am really attracted to him! How do I get him to relax and enjoy himself? Why is he so scared? Any advice? I so want our sex to improve, but the poor thing is terrified.

Sincerely, Meg the Master

Ari says:

Oh Meg. your guy is most likely terrified to fuck because of his tiny penis. And it was sweet of you to add that it wasn't his fault (I'm sure it was not, but note to Steve; this is karmic comeuppance, men with filthy sex lives breed boys with no dicks - heh, don't you hope I'm wrong? I'm not). Anyway.

I'm not sure what to tell you about a guy with a minute cock. Well, I guess the first piece of advice I'd give you is try not to giggle when referring to it as a "cock" like I just did. My second piece of advice is this; get him to fuck you doggy. That is the only way you're going to feel shit. Even the smallest little thing seems bigger from behind. Maybe it could work with you both facing each other and your legs over his. but I sorta doubt it.

Don't stifle yourself during sex (an excellent general rule) - your exuberance will feed his. If your guy believes that you are enjoying yourself, he too will loosen up. I'm guessing that his tiny dick has instilled some serious insecurities in him and therefore sex is awkward, if you want it to be good you have to reassure and encourage him.

And if those don't work, get rid of the cockless wonder and declare it as a charitable deduction on your taxes.

Steve says:

I am hoping for Tiny's sake that "the sex was bad" because he was too uptight, and not because of his microscopic member. Was he big enough (and/or wide enough) to please you? If so, you just need to make him feel more comfortable in the bedroom.

There is no magic bullet to make him suddenly loosen up and enjoy himself. It sounds like this poor bastard was terrified, and the only way he's going to feel better is with lots of encouragement and affection from you.

It sounds like you really like him. Tell him! Tell him that you enjoy your time spent together, that he makes you really happy, that you think about him all day long when he's not with you (some girls prefer to write this stuff down in a letter rather than say it, so feel free). And tell him that nothing would make you happier than to give him the most amazing sex of his life, to please him totally.

Also, be sure to encourage him DURING sex. For God's sake, don't hold back! If it feels really good, feel free to moan, scream, or drop your Pottery Barn catalog. And then, just be patient. It might take a while, but when he starts to loosen up, you better watch out - it sounds like this dude has a lot of pent-up horniness that he needs to let out.

If it is a size issue, there isn't a lot you can do except to experiment with every possible position and angle you can think of. They say doggie works best for poorly-hung men, so be sure to try that.

Please let us know how you do!

Q: I've noticed that I only form relationships with girls after hanging out with them as friends for a while(like 2 to 3 months) most of the time I don't even realise it because I'm not actually looking to form a relationship. anyway these relationship usually go well (because I know the girl well enough now do anything I want) or stay in friend mode (where I can't do anything). My question is how do I actively seek out and start a relationship quickly without the friend stuff? do I compliment her more? ask for a relationship and look desparate?
thanks junior

Ari says:

I have bad news. It isn't that these ladies find you to be such a good friend that they truly fear losing that if they enter into a relationship with you - it's that they aren't interested in more.

I'll tell you a well known secret - having a romantic relationship with someone you adore as a friend is a BONUS. Not a detractor. It's gravy kiddo. That's what nearly every woman wants - to fall in love with her best guy friend. If things aren't progressing with you and your "girl friends" it is because they don't want it to. I doubt you are doing anything wrong other than misreading signs dropped along the way that "they just aren't that into you".

Steve says:

If you want to seek out a relationship quickly, remember the main things girls are attracted to: confidence, a sense of humor, and an ability to make her feel attractive in some way. Notice I didn't say, "physical attractiveness"; yeah, females like a good-looking guy, but it's not as high on the list as you might think.

It sounds like you are a "safe" guy as far as girls are concerned: A nice person who won't try to get down their pants. Trust me, Junior: Let someone else be that guy. If you like her, pay attention to her. Talk to her. Take a chance! Ask her out, to someplace specific, on a specific day. She's not going to walk into the room and sit on your dick; you're going to have to do a little work here, my friend.

And most of all, feel good about yourself. Have confidence. If she says no, so what? Go find another one. Keep trying, and all of a sudden, you'll find yourself on top of some girl who you thought was WAY too hot to be interested in you.

And when you do, send pictures (of her, not you).