It's somewhat complimentary, in a way...
Dear Steve: I wrote you but you still ain't bloggin'.
I left my AIM, my MSN AND my ICQ at the bottom.
I sent you 12 emails, you must not have got 'em;
You prob'ly got a PC where the spam detector blocks 'em.
Anyways, fuck it. What's up, Steve, how's Tim?
And how's that dude Rob? You still fightin' with him?
Guess what? I signed up with Blogspot. Now I'm a blogger too!
It's called 'What have you learned today?' Ain't that name cool?
I read about that chick Holly, too, I'm sorry.
I know she's a sick bitch, but she sounds like a badass hottie!
I love your blog man, your writing is sick.
I've been reading since you ass-fucked Lila with Chap-stik!
I got a scrapbook full of your posts, and your comments, man.
I like that thing you do with Ari, too, plus that chick is stacked!
Anyways, i GTG. Be cool. Hit me back, and we'll chat.
Your number one fan, this is Dan.
My tea's gone cold,I'm wondering why I got out of bed at all
the morning rain clouds up my window and I can't see at all
And even if I could it'd all be grey, but your picture on my wall
it reminds me that it's not so bad, it's not so bad
Dear Steve: you still ain't dropped a post. I hope you don't forget.
When I see you haven't updated, I get a little upset.
If you didn't want to IM me last night, you didn't have to.
But you coulda said you had to go, instead of leaving me hangin.
I sat at my computer till 2am, and you just logged off.
That's pretty shitty man, you're like my fuckin' brother.
I thought we were homies man, looking out for one another.
I forgive you though, Steve, cause I know you don't mean it.
See, my life is just like yours in a way.
My mother was always fucked up on pills and booze, too,
And I'm a major playa with the honies, just like you!
I can relate to what you say in your blog,
So when I'm feelin' sad, I click you up and you make me smile.
I even put your name on my name tag,
So I can pretend to be you for a little while.
Sometimes I go to the high school and check out all the hotties;
It's like pornography, I just act like you and the girls are all up on me!
I like how you tell it straight, and you don't care what people think.
You don't need no fuckin' girlfriend, and you don't need no goddam shrink.
You gotta email me, man, seriously, I miss you!
I'd hate to have to call Dan Johnson, blow your cover and dis you.
My tea's gone cold,I'm wondering why I got out of bed at all
the morning rain clouds up my window and I can't see at all
And even if I could it'd all be grey, but your picture on my wall
it reminds me that it's not so bad, it's not so bad
Dear Mr. I'm-too-busy-to-blog-for-my
This'll be the last MPEG I EVER send your ass!!
You're prob'ly too busy fucking that little whore Tim-
I know you were online last night, I saw you on IM!
So this is my video I'm sending you. I hope you see it!
I'm in my room right now, fucking a 13-year-old girl scout.
Hey Steve! "Hi, my name is Dan, and I'm a sex addict." how does that sound?
Remember when you saw Lila at the Gap, and you thought she was so hot?
And you said it wouldn't have mattered if she was 12, you woulda wanted her anyway?
That's kinda how this is. I don't care how old she is.
She has long hair and juicy lips, just the way we like 'em, right, Steve?
Now I'll probably go to jail, and it's all your fault.
And all I wanted was a lousy IM or an email.
I hope you know I tore my scrapbook ALL to fucking hell!
I loved you Steve. You were my only friend.
I hope you get caught and have to lie about it.
I hope you stay up all night and you cry about it!
I hope you get fired from your job and go broke because of me!
[girl screams]
Shut up, bitch, I'm trying to talk to Steve.
See, Steve? This is the little shorty I picked up at the junior high school.
But I didn't try to mack her up, see I ain't a pussy like you.
I just hookwinked her and brought her up to my room.
[Sirens approaching]
Well, gotta go, the cops are pulling around.
Hope I can hit "send" before they break the door down...
[static, video stops]
My tea's gone cold,I'm wondering why I got out of bed at all
the morning rain clouds up my window and I can't see at all
And even if I could it'd all be grey, but your picture on my wall
it reminds me that it's not so bad, it's not so bad
Dear Dan, I meant to write you sooner, but I'm busy as all hell.
You said you have a blog now; what's the URL?
Look, I'm flattered you would call your website that,
And I'm sorry 'bout the IM thing, I was probably hittin' the sack.
Work just seems to get busier for me.
Tim and I spend a lot of time together, too.
Don't take it personal if I can't post as much as I used to.
I appreciate you coming around to see what I have to say,
And I hope I give you a few laughs along the way.
But I really hope you're careful
With all those girls who seem to give you play.
Yeah, I find teen girls hot--all us guys do!
But you better know the law before you're filling her with goo.
And what's this you say about calling Dan Johnson?
You might just be kidding, but if not, that would be just plain mean, son.
Dan, I think you just need to take a deep breath and chill,
Or else you'll wind up like that guy on the news a couple weeks ago.
He was raping some teenage girl in his house and videotaping it all.
He was trying to send it to someone, but no one knows who;
Come to think about it, his name was.... it was you!
Damn.
