And now, back to our regularly scheduled soul-baring

I was supposed to talk about Lila, wasn't I?

OK, I am getting busy at work, so I may do this in two parts.

Lila is one of those rare girls who is a total burnout and stoner, yet looks like a supermodel. I am telling you, I am very fussy, and she is one of the most beautiful women I have ever seen. Yeah, she's only 17. It wouldn't have mattered if she were 12. One look at her, and I resolved to have her, no matter what it took.

I am sure productivity went way down after I hired her. Guys in this office hit on her all the time. Every time she goes to Xerox something, every male between the ages of 21 and 60 suddenly has urgent business in the copy room. When she gets asked out, she is always sure to tell them she has "a boyfriend". Sometimes they ask who it is. If they only knew.

And I don't think they do know. No one has made any jokes about me fucking her, which is a pretty good sign that they have no clue. We are very careful in the office; I barely speak to her, and I am even kind of a prick sometimes. Sometimes an agent will come to me and say, "hey man, take it easy on her!"

How to describe her? She is 5'3", and has big, round, brown eyes and long eyelashes. Her lips are full and lush, straight out of a lipstick ad in a magazine.

She has long, straight brown hair all the way down to her waist. Her measurements are 34(C)-22-35. I measured myself!!

I have seen my share of naked women, but the first time I saw her with her clothes off, I got butterflies in my stomach and my breath hitched.

Fucking Lila is the closest thing to Heaven I've ever experienced. It is like I am high on some kind of drug, watching her ride me, her head back, her long hair brushing against the tops of my legs. Sometimes, while I penetrate her, she grabs my head and whispers in my ear, "I love you baby, I love you so much".

Normally, a girl saying that to me is enough to send me running for the hills. I think Lila knows this; she never says it, except during sex, and when she is leaving me a voice mail message. "I love you! Bye," she always says. But I've never said it to her at all. And, truth be told, if the sex weren't supernatural, I'd have dumped her for saying it to me.

I am reminded of a 14-year-old kid I saw on TV who had gotten hooked on crack. He talked about how he looked at the guy next to him at the crackhouse and thought, "Would I kill that guy for another hit? Yeah, I would."

Would I kill for that feeling? No. But I'd do just about anything else. When I am climaxing with Lila, it's a mixture of euphoria and horror. I am actually frightened, because I know that I would risk anything to feel that again, and if the truth gets out, it could cost me everything I have - my job, my money, everything. And still I cannot fucking stop, and don't even want to. It's Morton Downey, Jr. again.

Doc says I am infatuated. Doc says I have my "perfect arrangement". Doc says I am in love with the arrangement, not the girl. Doc says Lila and I have nothing in common.

All together now: FUCK HIM!!!!!!!!

My best female friend, "Rosie", found some pictures on my digital camera that Lila and I took of ourselves while we were fucking. Rosie told me that my sex life was totally out of control, and if I didn't see a shrink, she would never speak to me again.

And so, here I am.

More later.