Friday, January 19, 2007

Good day, and welcome to post #400

It's been well over two years, three quarters of a million site visits, and now, 400 posts. Thanks for making this little ol' web page so much fun for me. Here's to the next 400!

It's funny to me how many comments I still get about the Vaseline lip therapy post. The post is two and a half years old, people! It's absolutely ridiculous to have to talk about this again, but if it keeps coming up...

Vaseline lip therapy is the same thing as regular Vaseline, and yeah, Vaseline can be used as lube. In fact, back in the day, before Astroglide came along, that was pretty much the only option. I never got what was so hard to believe about me using it for anal.

Sometimes I get the impression that people have stopped thinking about it, and are just parroting what they have heard others say. "It must be ridiculous, because I heard someone else say it was!"

Go back and read it again. Stop repeating what you hear and ask yourself what is so hard to believe about it. I'm only going to answer the same question so many times before I tell you to fuck off.

Oh, and as a word to the wise, when you are using lube, you only need a small amount on the tip. Lube should be used sparingly, just to make penetration easier. You're not buttering an ear of corn, for Christ's sake!

But I digress.

And now, for the other question that I always get. Namely, "Is this stuff real?"

From time to time, I have to remind readers that I change names, dates, times, places, and circumstances to protect my anonymity, and to make the story flow better. Do I make some things up? Sure.

I'm not trying to convince you that I'm a legendary chick magnet, or the corporate version of Michael Jordan. That was never the point. Go back and read the 399 posts before this one: Do I ever insist that this is all 100%, unequivocally, real?

And by the way, what, exactly, in this blog is so hard to believe? That I had sex with a few girls? That I got a promotion and drove a nice car? What, these things don't happen in real life?

Of course they do, but that does not stop readers from savaging me as a "liar". Does it bother me? Yeah, in a way, because they seem oblivious to what I am trying to do.

I blog to entertain you. Read it, and have fun. Hopefully, it'll take your mind off your high credit card balance or your psychopathic boss for a few minutes before you have to get back to work. That's all.

L. Ron Hubbard was a horrible human being, so twisted that his own son compared him to Adolf Hitler. But he did say one interesting thing: "If it isn't true for you, it isn't true." If you think I'm lying, go with it. Assume this is all fiction. Whatever else one can say about me, I am a good writer. The story and the characters are strong enough to hold readers' attention, true or not. When the book based on this blog finally gets published, it will be sold as fiction. Those who give it a chance will love it from the start, and it will be irrelevant what shelf they pulled it from at Barnes & Noble.

There are less able writers (James Frey and Tucker Max come immediately to mind) who vehemently insist (or, in Frey's case, insisted) that every word they utter is gospel truth. In my opinion, they do so because their stories lack a certain appeal, and they feel compelled to add that magic tagline of, "...and it's all 100% true!" for the extra spark of interest that the story cannot generate on its own. I will never stoop to that; when it comes to writing skill, neither of them is fit to sniff my boxers.

So are these stories true or not?

Let's put it this way: You wouldn't write a cookbook if you didn't know how to cook. Yes, I am a writer, and I have turned my life into a story. Life doesn't unfold the way a book does, and the writer in me knows how to make it fit, so that's what I do. Put your cynicism and personal issues aside and read what I have to say. Listen to my inner thoughts. If you do, you will feel a genuineness that can't be faked.

If you read it, you can assume that something like it happened to me at some point in my life. If sex and work success are that foreign to you, you should stop blog-reading and leave the house once in a while.

A lot of you readers are loyal fans and great friends. A lot of you are also immature imbeciles. It's cliche to say so, but if you don't like what I am doing here for any reason, do me a favor: Leave and don't come back.

And as I mentioned recently, if I were really trying to pump myself up, why on Earth would I admit to cracking under the pressure and quitting my job, probably doing long-term career damage? Why would I admit to getting shot down by girls and dating sometimes weird or less-than-beautiful ones? Why would I admit to so many imperfections?

But again, ultimately your truth is determined by you, and whatever it is you should embrace it.

Check back soon, and go Pats!!