Thursday, April 21, 2005

He says, she says, volume V

Dear Steve and Ari:

My boyfriend and I (of almost two years) have a healthy sex life and all that good stuff, however there is a not-so-good thing going on.

I tend to have what is called swamp ass a lot (hate the term but that what it is so...). I don't know what to do about it. I shower, I don't have a huge ass, I am a petite girl of 26. I get it soon after showering. Just by sitting, not even excercising or anything. I don't know what to do, it makes me feel uncomfortable so I am not able to be carefree in the sexcapade of things. When he goes down, I love it but squirm at first until I know he has sniffed the rear out non-chillantly and continues giving that loving gift. When we are screwing and my legs go up, or doggy style when my ass is in his face, I freak out internally.

Sometimes he has a hard time cumming b/c the smell is overwhelming. I am disgusted, dismayed and ashamed of myself. He is kind about fortunately but I want it to end (not his niceness, the smell of course).

I have put is as blunt as possible. What is a girl to do?

-Feelin Icky in the Bum


Ari says:

Dear Marsh-a;

First of all I want to start off by telling you something, I have a lot of guy friends and what I understand is this; they are so glad to be getting laid, they are certainly not going to let a little natural body scent get in the way.

That said, I'm assuming you have tried showering pre-sex and a dash of talcum powder. I also would not rule out using a fragrance free, sensitive skin deodorant/anti-perspirant. Yes, in your ass. But allowing for the fact that you've tried those, I'd suggest you buy yourself some baby wipes, stick them in a ziploc bag and go into the bathroom and wipe up a bit before you start fooling around.

As far as his inability to cum because of your odor... I gotta tell you, I can't picture that being the reason. If the scent was that much of a turn off he wouldn't be able to get turned on. Guys are, as a general rule, stinky creatures. I PROMISE you, they do not scare as easily as you think.

I hope this was helpful, let us know, please!


Steve says:

Dear Icky:

First and foremost, we need to know if you are leaving Mr. Bunghole whistle-clean after each.... evacuation, or if your Hershey Highway is marred by skid marks.

Do you wipe with toilet paper only? Or do you use pre-moistened, flushable bathroom wipes? If you don't use them now, go out and buy some, and use them every single time you dump. Use warm, soapy water to clean back there in the shower, too (I reccommend changing washcloths before exfoliating your face, however). Toilet paper is NOT your friend; it's actually a terrible thing to wipe your ass with. Don't believe me? Next time you drop the kids off at the pool, wipe with toilet paper as best you can, then use a bathroom wipe and see how much residue (or should I say, "residoodie") was left behind.

The first few times you try this, squat over a large mirror and check out the whole area after you are done to make sure you, um, got everything. Next, monitor the smell (and your underwear) carefully. Does the swamp ass still come back? If so, I would recommend seeing your doctor about the.... ooze (or invest in a lot of corks). I do not believe it is normal to be giving off a smell like that after a thorough cleaning of your nether region.

I am tempted to come up with all sorts of clever ideas on how to minimize the smell while you are screwing, but I really believe this is a hygeine issue that can be solved, so I'd like you to try the above ideas first.

I am glad you are addressing your problem, and I am sure your boyfriend is too. Sex is almost never bad, but bathroom smells can be a definite distraction. A potty mouth is fine; a potty ASS isn't.

Please get back to us and let us know how you do.