Monday, August 16, 2004

To Steve, from Jenn

(received Tuesday, August 10)

Dear Steve,

First of all, it was great seeing you and the whole family on Friday night. I hope your birthday was memorable! It was a great party.

Steve, I don't know where to begin.

All night long, when we were talking, I kept thinking back to when we were kids, and you and your brothers used to come over, and you and I would pretend that we were getting married. Chris was the "priest", and when he said "you may kiss the bride", you would lean in and kiss me, and I would just get these butterflies in my stomach - and when you kissed me the other night -- butterflies again.

I know it is wrong, really wrong, but something felt really "right" about it - does that sound strange? I mean, I am glad it happened - but it can't happen EVER again -- right?

I think it is the whole "forbidden fruit" thing, where we knew we weren't supposed to, but we did it anyway, that made it so exciting. (Plus you are a really really good kisser ;-) ) But just because it was exciting, and it probably would be exciting if we did it again, that doesn't make it right. And I think it would be really "weird" if it ever went beyond kissing.

I keep having this nightmarish vision of you and I kissing, and one of our mothers walking in the room (probably drunk), and seeing it, and us never living it down for the rest of our lives. I think I would probably die of embarrassment...and that would be dangerous, since, in a druken stupor, my mother (or yours) would probably dial "411" instead of "911"....ha ha ha....

I am going through so much right now - a bad breakup, a long-distance move, a new place, a new job, and I am dealing with the emotional rollercoaster of it all, and it's really stressful for me. I want to be close to you, I want to re-establish the close bond that we had, as cousins/FRIENDS, but I really need to put this behind us. I don't know how to feel about our "makeout session" - embarrassed, humiliated, excited, turned on, ashamed, etc. etc. - and to be honest, I don't need all the drama that would be involved in us hooking up again. Are you ok with that? I hope so...

Please call me so we can talk about this.

Happy birthday again,

Love, Jenn