Wednesday, December 22, 2004

Thank you, Mr. Gates, may I have another?

Thanks to HijackThis and the many computer whizzes (without attitude problems) out there working apparently for free, I got my PC 90% of the way back. So now you guys get to sit back and enjoy today's entry!


At the party, Steph did a great job of making sure the house didn't get too messy, because she knew how that would stress me out. Someone would step on a Dorito, and she'd be there in 30 seconds, picking up the little orange pieces from the carpet.

Stephanie GETS IT. That's why I don't object to her sleeping over so much. She knows to give me a wide berth in the morning, and not to distract me in any way while I ponder how I'm going to handle the 347 nasty, combative phone calls I'll get that day. Of course, walking by me barefoot with her "Monkey Business" panties and t-shirt is distracting, but in a good way...

1:00. Dom has sobered up enough to drive. We walk him and Meg to the door and say our goodbyes. He hugs me.

Heidi grabs her coat and heads for the door, too. I've been thinking about this moment ever since she kissed me. I've wondered what our goodbye would be like, what Steph would say. And I've replayed a thousand times the feeling of her tits pressed against me, hard, as she shoved her tongue in my mouth.

Yeah, I definitely wouldn't mind fucking Heidi.

"Steve, thanks so much for having the party," she says, kissing my cheek. She gives me a tight-lipped grin, the impersonal kind of smile you give to an old lady as you hold a door open for her. It's the same smile she's given me a thousand times before at work. Whatever electricity was flowing between me and Heidi earlier tonight is totally gone, at least for now.

She kisses Stephanie and leaves. Steph immediately turns to me and practically collapses into my arms. She's tired. "I had fun," she says.

"Me, too. Thanks for helping out so much."


1:30. We're lying in bed, me staring up at the ceiling, her curled up next to me with her head against my neck.

"I didn't like that game," she said.

"Spin the bottle?"

"Yeah. Heidi pissed me off. YOU pissed me off!"

"How did I piss you off?"

"You enjoyed it way too much. You put your hand on her ass!"

"No I didn't!"

"Yes you did! I saw you! It was only for a second, but you did it. Ass grabber!" she says, punching my arm playfully.

"And you weren't exactly kicking and screaming when Dom pulled you closer, either."

"At least I didn't put my tongue in his mouth."

"Heidi did that to me!"

"I know. I hate Heidi. She's such a bitch."

"You don't like her?"

"No! I hate that whole airhead act she puts on too."

"I don't think that's an act."

"Meg has known her since college. She only ever does that in front of guys. If a guy is not around, she's Miss Professional. Then a guy shows up and it's 'Oh my gaaaad, oh my gaaad, can you belieeeeeeve it?!'," she says, mockingly.

She sounds exactly like Heidi. I almost fall out of bed laughing.

And now that she says it, I think she may be on to something. I've never seen Heidi do the airhead thing without a man around.

"I'm serious," she says. "I swear she's trying to steal you away from me."

"Come ON, Steph. Do you really think that she thinks that whole motormouth thing is ATTRACTIVE to guys? And wasn't she doing it on the phone with you this morning? There was no guy on the phone!"

"She knew you were here. She wanted to talk to you. Did you see what she had on?"

"It was a little tight."

"A LITTLE tight? She exploits her boobs!"

"I don't like her boobs. I like yours."

"Yeah, RIGHT. You guys were drooling over her boobs all night. PERverts!"

"Nah, I like yours," I say, kissing her neck.

"Can I ask you something," she says, ignoring my kisses.

"Hm?" Still kissing.

"Would you ever have sex with Heidi?"

"Nope." Immediate answer. It's like a hot stove reflex, guys. God help you if you hesitate on that one.

"No, I mean, if you didn't know me."

I stop kissing her. "If I didn't know YOU, I wouldn't know HER." Clever, eh?

"You know what I mean, Steve. What if I didn't exist? What if you met her at a bar somewhere? Would you sleep with her?"

"Who could sleep with THAT voice? It's enough to wake somebody out of a coma! She ought to work at the hospital!"

"Seriously. Tell me."

"Steph, come on."

"I mean it. I want to know. You promised me!" she says. "You said you'd be honest always."

"She's cute. She has a nice body." Notice, I'm not answering the question.

"Answer the question," she says.

Sometimes I hate dating a future lawyer.

"Would you sleep with Dom?"


"OK! OK! Yes. I would probably have sex with her. IF you didn't exist. And if I could muzzle her somehow."

There's no probably about it, guys. I would fuck her for days. But I had to make myself look as apathetic about it as I could.

"OK," she says. "Dom? He's cute. I don't think I'd have sex with him. He seems kind of sneaky and creepy. From what Meg says."

"Who WOULD you have sex with?"


"Besides me."

"Ricky Martin."

"Somebody we know. Who would you have sex with that we know?"


There must be someone, otherwise she would have just said, "no one".

"Remember, be honest," I say.

"And you don't exist?" she asks.

"I was never born."

She pauses for a long time. "There is one guy that we know who I would probably have sex with."


"Your brother."

Merry fuckin' Christmas.