"Gone is the love that was so divine"

Sunday, May 8, 2005, 7:25pm
Steve's house

I'm exhuasted. I've been busting my ass on P & L's all day long, and my brain has reached that point of supersaturation where I can't think critically anymore; it's almost like forgetting how to read.

I've been running myself ragged with work lately, and I'm overwhelmed, not only by how much I've been doing recently, but also with the idea of how much I WILL be doing in the weeks to come. I feel like I could go to sleep right now-

DING-DONG! The doorbell.

Linda, I think. Another fucking emergency, I'm sure. She'll be at my door, in her frayed, dirty dog-sweater, her hair a gnarled mess, asking me to babysit her coo-coo-for-Cocoa-Puffs son, or to unclog her toilet, or pull a splinter out of her left ass cheek. Nothing would surprise me at this point.

DING-DONG! KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK!

"Hold on, I'm coming!" I open my front door.

Lila is standing there.

She got out of rehab on the 2nd. She called to let me know she was back to work, and everything seemed alright. I haven't heard from her since, and I figured maybe she had gotten on with her life and wouldn't be contacting me for a while.

It's raining fiercely. Her hair is matted to her head, and she's making no effort to keep dry.

"I need to talk to you," she says, over the steady hiss of raindrops hitting the ground.

"Is everything ok?"

"No. Can I please come in?"

"Lila...I mean, don't you have a sponsor or something?"

"She's away until late tonight. Steve, PLEASE!" She blinks her almond-shaped eyes at me; rain coalesces on her long lashes. Her arms are folded tightly across her chest. It's chilly.

This is a fucking mistake, I think, and I open the door.

I give her a towel from the bathroom, and she sits on my couch, rubbing the fluffy blue cotton against her long hair. She sighs deeply.

"I didn't know how hard this was gonna be."

"Did something happen?"

"Sophie had some girls over to play cards. They starting smoking..."

"Pot?"

"Mm-hmm. And then they were drinking. And I started thinking, I have to go my whole fucking life without taking a drink or smoking. I'm freaking!"

"Aren't you supposed to take it one day at a time?"

"I know, but ALL my friends use. I don't know how I'm gonna DO this!" she sobs softly into the towel.

"Hey. You're gonna do great." I pat her shoulder; she hugs me, still crying.

8:30pm

Lila's drinking a Diet Pepsi and we're flipping channels. She looks a little better. There's a black-and-white movie on AMC. "Hey!" she says. "Guess what I have in the car?"

"What?"

"Hold on!" She hops up and runs outside, then dashes back in with a video from Blockbuster. "LOOK!" she smiles. I read the box.

The Great Gatsby, it says.

"Ahh, cool."

"I loved that book SO much. I read it twice while I was at rehab. Someone there told me they made a movie about it, so I went and rented it."

"What did you think?"

"I haven't watched it yet." Her eyes open wider. "Let's watch it now!"

"Lila, I'm so tired-"

She puts on a sexy pout and gazes up at me. "Pleeeeease?"

"You have to go as soon as it's over."

"OK!"

I've seen this adaptation before, and I like it very much. But it lacks the drama and suspense that you feel when watching a movie for the first time, and I nod off after about an hour or so.

An image fades into focus. It's Lila and me in her bedroom at her apartment. Her clothes are off, her exquisite, naked body glowing invitingly in the dim light. She's kissing me now, softly and wetly, just exactly the way I like it. Her hands work my cock expertly, rubbing it slowly up and down, applying just the right amount of pressure. "I want you to make love to me," she breathes in my ear, and I'm covered in tingles.

"Make love to me. Please make love to meeeee?" It's her little-girl voice, the sexiest, most seductive voice I've ever heard.

My eyes open. I was dreaming. I'm not in Lila's room, and she's not naked. But she is sitting next to me, and nibbling my ear.

Oh, and her hand is on my cock.

"Pleeeeease, babyyy? I love you soo much."

I look at her, and I am totally gone. I am seduced completely by her, drowning in her brown eyes, awash in the green apple-smell of her hair, entranced by her thick lips and perfect, white teeth.

All of the insecurity comes rushing back, the feeling that I need to fuck her, that I need to prove a point, to myself and to everyone else, that Lila is not out of reach for me, that she wants me as much as I want her.

I feel the pull, the pull that I haven't felt in a long time. It's as strong as it ever was. And when I want someone this badly, I've never been able to resist. I've never even been able to think about why I SHOULD.

Consequences? Yeah, this is gonna fuck everything up, but good. But maybe this is just how I'm supposed to be. Maybe this is the natural order of things, and maybe it's wrong to tamper with that.

Our eyes lock. There are no more words. There is no need for any.