Monday, May 23, 2005

So anyway, like I was sayin'.....

Sunday, May 8, 2005
Steve's house

When I get really horny, my balls ache. And right now, it feels like I've just taken a kick in the groin from a pissed-off mule after not orgasming for 22 years.

I'll fuck her, I think. Maybe one more good bang is what I need to finally get her out of my head. Or maybe I'll get back to fucking two girls again, like I did last summer.

No, that's just stupid. I could probably hide them from each other, especially with Steph being out of state. But the whole reason things didn't work out with Lila the first time was because she was too clingy and needy, and I have no doubt she'd be that way again if we reconciled. And is that what I really want anyway?

I'm happy with Stephanie now, relationship-wise. Over the past months, I've grown to the point where I trust her totally. I'm not much of a crier, but I feel like I could do that in front of her without feeling ashamed. I can't think of any topic of discussion that would be off-limits. She's smart, and she's mature. And if I am craving sex, it's not because the sex is bad with Steph, and it's not because I'm not getting enough. It's because I am a fucked-up, insecure, greedy, horny bastard.

So what?, I think. If that's what I am, then why fight it? Who cares WHY I want her? The fact is, I want her, and she's here, and it's pretty obvious that she wants the same thing I do.

I grab her wrist. I like the feel of her muscles flexing as she works my cock into a huge erection. I had almost forgotten what it was like to be touched by someone else besides Steph. It feels... strange.

This is going to be amazing. I can tell already. I like the idea that she's fucked Dom, and that's she's seen the best he can do, and that now it's my job to make her forget that. It's like being the home team, and getting the last at-bat.

I freeze. LISTEN to yourself!, I think. Suddenly, it's just as clear as can be. Intellectually, I knew what she was doing. I knew the facts. I knew she fucked Dom to make me jealous. Shit, she TOLD me as much! But for the first time, it made me angry. Incredibly angry. How could I not have felt this before?

She MANIPULATED me. She PLAYED me. It wasn't just the Dom thing. It was making sure she saw me before she left. It was telling me that she planned on getting clean and turning her life around. She was generating sympathy for herself.

It was the ponytail, the tight t-shirt, and the open-back sneakers that she was wearing the morning she left. She knows how much I like those things on her. And it was the teary visit to my doorstep, when she knew that Steph wasn't there, and wasn't going to be there, The Great Gatsby in hand.

She was playing games, the way they did on Melrose Place and 90210. This was nothing more than high school bullshit. And I fell for it!

Correction: ALMOST fell for it.

I stand up, pushing her arm away. I glance at the bulge in my jeans, and at my unbuttoned and partially-unzippered fly. Was I actually going to FUCK her?

"I'm going to the bathroom. Be gone when I get out."

It took a good half hour, but she finally did leave.