Wednesday, February 16, 2005

"Is that a tongue, or a flash memory card?"

"Guys, we're here."

Slurp, grunt, moan.

"GUYS!" Stephanie says.

Smack, lick, sigh.

Elena has her hand on the inside of Jerry's thigh. He's got a massive crotch-bulge.

"Ok, we'll see you inside," I say, laughing. Steph and I get out of the car and walk into the house.

We sit down on the couch and the two of them walk in holding hands a full minute later, their clothes rumpled, their mouths ringed with faded lipstick.

"Hey guys," Elena says, quietly.

"I would ask if you're having a good time, but it seems kinda redundant," I say.

"Very redundant," Jerry says, looking longingly at Elena.

They park themselvs on the love seat across from us, holding both their hands together. Elena is resting her thighs across his, her dress slipping far enough back to reveal a flash of the dark spot between her legs. I've decided Elena has a VERY nice body.

"We have to go to the laundromat tomorrow," Steph says to me.


"They're on the machine. That blazer they were cleaning for you is ready."

"Oh really?"

"MMMMmmmmmmmmm," smack, slurp.

"Jesus fucking Christ," I say quietly. "These two are ridiculous!"

"SHHHH! They LIKE each other! It's CUTE!"

"I'm happy for them," I whisper.

Jerry slides his hand across the inside of her thigh. She wiggles her butt a little, her legs opening slightly. OK, are these two going to fuck in front of us now?

"Guys, GUYS!" I say loudly. They stop and look at me, their eyes bleary with lust.

"Obviously we're not adding to the equation at this point, so why don't you guys get going?"

"Well, I, we, don't wanna be rude," Elena says.

"Elena. You're MAKING OUT in our living room!"

They laugh sheepishly. "I'm sorry, we just kinda got....carried away," Elena says.

"It's ok, you guys," Steph says. "We're HAPPY for you! Maybe we could do it again some time!"

"DEFINITELY!" Jerry says, getting up and walking over to me. He shakes my hand. "I OWE you one, my man!"

"Elena! Come here for a minute," Steph says with a smile, walking into the kitchen. I watch as they stop near the dishwasher and turn to face each other.

Jerry plops down next to me. "I'm having an extremely good night!"

"I can see that."

"Sorry about the PDA. It was just going so well and I didn't want to lose the moment."

"Don't worry about it. We got a nice crotch shot," I say, winking.

He laughs. "Yeah, short skirts are good!"

"You mean dresses."

"Yeah. Hey listen, Steve. What do I do now?"

"What do you mean, what do you do? Take her home and nail her!"

"Are you sure she's ready for that?"

"Are you joking? She was practically fucking you on the couch!"

"She was KISSING me. How do I know she wants to have sex?"

"Take her home and pick up where you left off. You'll be naked in ten minutes. IF that."

He looks up at the ceiling. "So just take her to my house, and just take her inside-"

"NO! No, no, Jerry. HER house, not yours!"


"So you can leave when you're done!"

"What if I don't want to leave? A little morning nookie might be nice!"

"No. Do her and leave. You can stick around and talk for a half hour, tops. But you can't show all your cards this early. You can't let her know how crazy about her you are. Remember, you have to be CASUAL about it."

"But she LIKES me! I don't need to do that crap anymore!"

"Yes you do! You need to do it MORE now that she likes you!"

"But why?"

"She has to look at you as a challenge. It was a challenge to get you into bed, and it looks like she's going to meet that one. Now, the next challenge is making you want to stick around. You have to make her wonder if she's going to do that."

"Leave something to the imagination," he says, nodding.

"Exactly, man. Give her something to think about. She'll be much more attentive if you do."

"But I like her! I want to pursue this."

"You don't know if you like her yet. All you've done is play tonsil hockey. Take your time. Take it slow. Trust me. Take her home tonight, and have a good time, and hook up again next week."

"All right, well, I just have to try to-"

The girls walk back in. "What are YOU guys talking about?" Elena says.

"You," Jerry says, getting up and grabbing her around the waist. They laugh, then kiss longingly.

Yeah, great fucking poker face, Jerry.

The two of them leave, arms draped around each others' waists.

"Just so you know, your friend is getting his eyeballs fucked out tonight," Steph says.

"What did you say to her in the ladies' room?"

She laughs. "As soon as Elena saw him, she said, "Ooooo, he's CUTE!" But she was being so shy and wouldn't even talk to him. So we went to the ladies' room and I was trying to get her to calm down and she couldn't. So finally, I made her get into one of those Yoga poses and hold it. And she's standing there with her arms all twisted up and her leg bent like a flamingo-"

"And someone walked in?!"

"Two old ladies!" Steph says, laughing. "They barely looked at her! Anyway, after that she was fine!"

"So what do you think of these two?"

"Mmm, I think Elena might just be horny. I'm not sure she's looking to start anything. Jerry's already talking about going away together."


"He wants to take her on his friend's boat or something."

I roll my eyes. What a fucking idiot.

"Not a very good student, is he?"

"I told him to just take it easy. But he hasn't been with anyone in a while."

"I know. A year. He told her."

If he doesn't screw this up, it will be amazing.