"What floor is damage control....?"

Saturday, January 29.

It should have been a fucking sign that I was shopping at Sears.

Yeah, I was just there to buy a set of deep sockets (I only use Craftsman, btw). But that's really no excuse. I should have just purchased my tools and left.

"Hey Steph! My neighbor has these nice paisley bed sheets and he says he got them here."

"HERE?"

"I know. Let's go check it out and see what they have!"

"OK."

We're cutting through the infant department, and I see a familiar head of blonde hair bent over a crib, looking inside. My blood goes cold.

It's Kelly.

No, I don't want to talk to her. But I'm not going to start acting weird either, running around like an idiot. I'll just keep walking, and she won't see me, and everything will be just fine. Calling attention to myself would be a mistake.

"Steee-eeve!!!"

Ahh, fuck. When it comes to Kelly, nothing is easy.

"Hey, Kel." I keep walking, but Steph is slowing down.

They look at each other. I sneak a glance at Steph. She's studying Kelly intently, eyes slightly narrowed.

I kind of like it when two girls I have boned meet each other. It's a nice boost to the ego to watch how they size each other up. And when two of your exes are in the same room, you get the feeling you have fucked the whole world, somehow.

"How ARE you?" she says, with a big, fake-looking, Stepford Wife smile.

I feel like I am going to be sick. Now I am going to have to explain the whole sordid mess to Steph, as she tilts her head and twirls her hair, listening intently to every word, asking me questions that I can't bullshit my way out of.

Maybe I can get out of this. Maybe if I can find an excuse to get outta Dodge quickly. Can't make it look too obvious, though.

"Fine, you?"

"Oh, greeeeaaat. I just closed on a 5-bedroom, so I've been really busy."

"Well, nice seeing you," I say, taking a step towards the mall entrance. It's 100 feet away. It's so close I can SEE it! I can practically smell the Auntie Anne's pretzels from here. Just 100 feet...

"Kelly, this is my girlfriend Stephanie. Stephanie, this is Kelly." They shake hands.

"I guess Steve's told you all about me," Kelly says. "Don't believe a word of it."

Kelly is beautiful. Her hair seems longer; her skin glows. She is a psychotic, vindictive bitch, but she really knows how to take care of herself. Looking at her, I am smitten, in a way. How can I be pissed off at a pretty girl like this, I find myself thinking.

"No, actually he's never mentioned you!"

Both their heads turn to me.

Lunchtime! Manchu Wok for everyone! On me!

"Musta slipped my mind," I say, smirking.

"Come on, Steve! We dated all summer!"

"This PAST summer?" Steph asks.

"YEAH! We had fun! I mean, it wasn't anything serious or anything like that."

"Yeah, not serious at all," I say.

"So you guys are BABY shopping? How long have you been together?"

"Three months. We're not baby shopping; we're just passing through," Steph says.

"Ahhhh. So three months, huh? Any bells in your future?"

"It's quite possible," I say.

"Woooooow," Kelly says, looking at Steph. "You must be someone special to make him commit like that."

"She is," I say.

"OH my God," Kelly says. "You guys are really serious, aren't you?"

"Yeah."

"So whatever happened to that other one? Lisa? Linda?"

"Lila?" says Steph.

"THAT'S it! Lila!"

"We broke up."

"Yeah, that must have been hard dating two girls at the same time," Kelly says.

OUCH. Thanks, Kel. Now don't you have a satanic ritual to get to?

"So who are you shopping for, Kel? I'm guessing not you."

She laughs. "No, it's for my cousin. I'm not gonna buy anything here, though."

"OK, Kel. We'll see you around."

"I'll tell Taylor you said hi," she says.

Thanks again. Bitch.