Thursday, February 10, 2005

Stevo's sex school

Thursday, January 28, 11:45. I'm talking to Jerry, one of our local agents.

"I haven't had any in a year."


"I don't know what the hell I'm doing!"

"Come on, man. Yes you do."

"I thought you were supposed to help me! Are you still with that hot blonde?"

"Yes." I guess I could hook him up with Meg. But then again, Meg is very tough. As soon as she got the impression that Jerry was interested, she'd probably get bored and take off.

"Doesn't she have any sisters? Or friends?"

"Maybe one of her friends from law school. But first I want to give you some pointers. Are you free for lunch?"


Doc's, 12:15.

"The first thing you have to remember is, you're very casual."

"Casual," he repeats.

"You ask her out, she says no, no big deal. She says YES, no big deal."

"So I'm just very straight-faced all the time."

"No no, but if you smile, it's a little smile. If you laugh, it's a quiet laugh."

"So I'm just a cool customer."

"A very cool customer. That's your attitude, no matter what it is you're doing."

"Now let me ask you: When you see a girl you like, how do you approach her?"

"Well, if it's at a party, I usually get nice and toasted first so I'm more comfortable."

"What about if it was here? Do you like our waitress? She's hot, right?"

"I'm not gonna hit on a waitress!!"

"Why not?"

"What if she's not interested? Then I have to deal with her for the rest of the time I'm here."

"So hit on her right before you leave. Besides, remember, it's no big deal."

"I guess."

"So what would you say to her?"

"I don't know," he shrugs. "I guess, ask her if she's from around here, ask her name..."

"We already know her name. Allie."

"That's right, that's right."

"All right, when she comes over here, try and hit on her a little bit."

He nods.

Minutes pass. Allie walks by. "Everything all right here, guys?" She's got short dark hair and huge melons. She'd be a good catch.

Jerry smiles. "Could I, ah, get a little ketchup?"

"Is that one empty?" she says, pointing to a bottle on the table.

"Huh? Oh! It was right there!" He laughs. "I'm a little blind today."

"You didn't even have a drink yet," she says.

"We're on the clock, so we probably shouldn't."


"Do you guys have happy hour here," Jerry asks.

"Yep, six o'clock!"

"OK, thanks."

She walks off.

"What are you doing, man?"

"What, was that bad? I was so embarrassed about the ketchup."

"You played it off very well. I LIKED that! And then you started talking to her. I thought that was going very well! Why'd you quit?"

He shrugs.

"Next time, just keep talking. And when it starts to wind down, ask her-"

"For her phone number," he nods.

"NO. Don't ask for her number. Ask her out. When she says yes, THEN you get her number."

"Ahhh, I see. This way there's no confusion as to what my intentions are."


Allie comes back to the table. "More sodas, guys?"

"Yes, please."

"I need some ketchup, too," Jerry says. We all laugh.

There's hope for this guy yet.