Friday, February 18, 2005

Is this what it's like having kids?

I want to send my best wishes to New England Patriots linebacker Tedy Bruschi, who had a stroke (yes, a STROKE) last night. He's only 31 years old. Scary, isn't it?

The good news is, he's up and around, walking and talking, and it appears to have been pretty mild.


Monday, February 7, 12:03pm
Shogun Japanese restaurant

"First of all, Steve, I wanna thank you for introducing me to Elena. This past week, it's just been..."

Why is it that some people pronounce "introduce" as "innerduce"? Where exactly does one learn that pronunciation?

"This past week? You just met her a couple of days ago!"

"You know what I mean. Anyway, listen, Steve, seriously. I REALLY appreciate it. If there's anything I can do for you-"

"You're welcome, Jerry. But listen, my friend-"

He waves his palms at me. "I know, I know. I'm supposed to be playing it close to the vest. I did follow your advice, for awhile."

"How long, exactly?"

"I went to her house. We had AMAZING sex. I mean, just totally fucking incredible. And I remembered what you said. I stuck around for about a half hour and told her I had to go."

"Good. Good!"

"I told her I had to go to my mother's house in the morning."


"And then I woke up the next morning, and I just... missed her. And I wanted to call her. I just started thinking of all the things you told me, and it just got to be too much. I'm afraid to open my mouth when I think of all your advice, because anything I want to say feels wrong!"

"It takes time."

He shakes his head. "I just decided to go with my instincts. I wanted to call her, so I called her. I listened to my heart!"

Hey, great! Did your HEART happen to mention what you're gonna do after she dumps you?

"You called her the next MORNING?"

"Yeah! That one moment that I decided to trust my instincts, that one SECOND, I felt better right away. It was like night and day! I wasn't worried anymore."

"What happened when you called her?" Not sure I want to hear the answer, though.

"We talked for an hour. And then later that night, I wanted to see her, so I called her again, and we went out to dinner, and then she came over!"


"What, Steve? This is the real deal here! There's no game-playing! No bullshitting! It's just two people who like each other, that's all!"

"Jerry, I gotta tell you, you're making a huge mistake."

"Steve, don't take this the wrong way. I know you're more successful with women than I'll ever be. But I know that it took you a long time to find Steph, and I think you're probably..... jaded about women because you couldn't find the right one for so long. You probably figure all women are cynical because those are the ones you've run into before now."

OK, now he's pissing me off.

"I'm JADED?"

"You know what I mean! I mean, I don't think all women need to be treated that way. You don't have to play games like that with a mature woman; I really believe that. Don't you think that's kid stuff?"


"You and Steph, you don't play games!"

"We've been together since November. TOTALLY different situation. We took it slow at the beginning. VERY slow. Taking it slow is NOT playing games."

"I don't know, Steve. I mean, with all due respect, you met Elena once for, what, three hours? I've been with her nonstop since that night, basically. I think I know her better than you do, right?"

"Evidently not."

"Come on! You gotta be happy for me, man! I've got this beautiful girl who cares about me! We're inseparable!" He's smiling so broadly that he can barely speak.

"Have you ever heard that expression, 'The candle that burns twice as bright burns half as long'?"

He scoffs. "Come ON, Steve! Lighten up!"

"When things start out hot and heavy like that, it never lasts."

"This time it will."

"Ok, Jerry, listen. Apparently you have things ....well in hand, so I won't give you any more advice, except for this one last thing. Then, I'll trust you to your... instincts."


"You've basically laid all your cards out on the table. She knows exactly how you feel, how crazy you are about her. She knows that you can't help but call her constantly, and that you want to see her every day. "

"She wants to see me, too!"

"But who's calling who?"

"A little of both."

"How many times has she called you?"

"I leave a message; she calls back. RIGHT back."

"YOU'RE calling first. Now, SHE is in the driver's seat. She can sit back and not call, and she can be sure, absolutely sure, that you and your INSTINCTS will be up her ass before too long at all."

"Who CARES who's calling who?"

"YOU should care. Now you've set the paradigm. You've set the expectation. YOU'RE the pursuer; she's the pursued. It's probably flattering now, but it's gonna get old fast. And boring."

"Boring?!" He laughs. "You weren't in my room with us last night."

"It's going to get boring for her, knowing that she's got you locked down. There's no mystery, no sense that you're a man with options. That's boring!"

"As soon as it gets boring, I'll let you know."

"When it gets boring, it'll already be too late."