Wednesday, July 21, 2004

How to beat static cling

So I've been thinking a lot lately about me and Lila.
I definitely have a soft spot in my heart for her.  I definitely like fucking her.  I am impressed with her work ethic, and her aptitude for the job.  And I like how she is not pressuring me for a commitment.  In fact, I can't believe how laid back she is about it.
Lila is fucking GORGEOUS.  And she is being the coolest girlfriend any guy could ever ask for.  AND she is good in bed.  So I am sitting here, wondering if it is finally time to settle down.
Right away, the phobia kicks in.  I start breathing a little heavier.  I can feel my heart pound.  I'm like a claustrophobic who has just been locked in a closet.

I look around the house.  Everything is neat and organized.  My soup cans have a specific place in the cupboard.  My underwear has a specific place in my dresser.  I wipe the spit off my mirror after I brush my teeth.  I wipe the rim of the toilet bowl after I piss.  The idea that someone might come into my home and change that, even infinitesimally, makes my skin crawl. 
Fuck.  Did I just use a 15-letter word in my blog?
I'm not a morning person.  I have a routine.  I get up.  I piss.  I work out.  I shower.  I eat.  And  slowly, over the course of 2 or 3 hours, I become the jovial, charming lug you know as Steverino.  Before that, you don't want to be near me.
I can't believe I invited Kelly to stay over that night.  Normally, I freak out at the prospect of sharing a bed with a girl overnight.  Not only because she might read into it; also because I just know that, in the morning, as I stomp around the house like I normally do, she will be totally up my ass, asking what I am thinking about, or what's wrong, wondering what she did to piss me off, when in reality it's just me.  At 5:42AM, I do NOT want to explain that shit to anyone.  I don't want to talk at all.
I know what you're saying.  "So, because you are an asshole in the morning, you don't want to be monogamous?!"
It's more than that.  I like being with girls.  A lot.  But I don't like the idea that a girl, any girl, would be a "part of my life," other than on a limited basis.  It's more than sharing my toothpaste.  It's sharing my house, my life.  It's being a part of a "team", as opposed to being solo.  Suddenly, I owe an explanation to someone for every decision I make, every move.  In fact, I have to discuss every decision WITH this other person before WE make it, and if for some reason she disagrees, it's negotiation time. 
I know what's best for me.  I've always made out just fine on my own.  And when I make up my mind about something that affects my life, I do NOT want to fucking discuss that with anyone else.  If that makes me an asshole, so be it.  At least I'm an honest asshole.
Some of you girls can be vindictive.  You know we want sex, and you can brandish it like a weapon.  Block access to your vagina, and some guys will do just about anything you want.  Since I am pretty much hooked on sex like a drug at this point, I am thinking that would be very bad for me.  If I were to settle down, I would be depending on one person never to hold out on me, never to lose interest, and to come through for me every time I need her.  Am I absolutely sure I can count on a 17-year-old chick for that?

That's why I like the idea of being with two girls.  One turns me down; I go see the other.  One starts acting weird; I go find another one.
I know I'm doing a terrible job of explaining this.  But suffice to say, the idea of being with anyone permanently, even Lila, fills me with the sense of impending doom.  I like Lila, and I respect her a great deal.  I want to spend a lot of time with her.  But I also want to go home alone at the end of the day.  

And besides all that, I think Lila is too young to settle down, even if she doesn't realize it.  Let's say she and I get together, and it works out for 5 or 10 years.  I believe she is going to look back with a sense that she missed out on things, because she didn't date enough before getting serious.

With this in mind, I've decided I need to do something about Lila.  I don't want her out of my life completely, but I think she is getting too close, and I need her to take a step backwards.
I could just tell her that.  But oh, what a freaky scene that would be!  She'd lose it for sure, and I'd be explaining endlessly how I want to be with her, but I don't, but I do.  And all the while, she'd be bawling her eyes out, asking me what she did wrong, what I want her to do, what I need from her to make me happy. 
This approach will never work.  If you're gonna dump someone, dump her; if not, don't say anything at all.
But there is another way....... 
Monday night, I leave my phone on.  At 11:30, it rings.  Lila.
"Hey, baby!"  She sounds tired.  "You answered!!"
"Yeah!  How's it going?"
"OK.  I miss you."
"Baby, I need to talk to you."
"Uh-oh.  I don't like the sound of your voice."

I know, I know, mix the truth with the lie, the garlic powder, blah, blah, blah.  Sometimes you gotta bend the rules.
"Lila, Ross knows about us."
"He came up to me today, and said, 'Steve, I'm just gonna ask you straight out:  Are you fucking your secretary?' " I say.
She gasps.  "What did you say?"
"I said 'No.' "
"And what did he say?"
"He said, 'Good.   Because if you did something stupid like that, I'd have to fire you.' "
"Oh.My.God."  She says.  "You could have gotten FIRED!"
"Yeah, I was pretty scared for a minute there."
"So what are we gonna do?"
"Well, I think we have to talk about some things."

"Like what?"
"Well, he wouldn't tell me how he found out.  And I don't think it was anybody at work, because if anybody at work knew, we would have heard rumors."
"Right.  So who do you think it was?"
"I have NO fucking clue, Lila!  So now we have to be REALLY careful.  I mean, I can't just come over there when your mom is not home like I do now.  At least not for awhile."
She is crying softly.
Shit, here we go.
"This sucks," she says.  "Things were going SO good.  I am so PISSED!"
"Baby, I know.  It's cool.  Let's just lay low for awhile, until I get him to tell me who told him."
"How will you do that?"
"I'll wait until the CEO comes down again.  Ross always turns into a scared little girl around him, so he goes out and gets plastered the night before.  I'll just go with him, wait for him to get nice and cocked, and then ask him."
"OK.  Hey," she says.
"Can I still come over for cleaning?"
"I mentioned that.  I said, 'Hey Ross, I hired her to clean my house, so I might be driving her back and forth sometimes.' "
"What did he say?"
"He said, 'I just better not hear about the two of you dining by candlelight at Luigi's.' "


"What a prick," she says.
"Lila?" I say.
"Just do me a favor.  Please don't say anything to Ross about this, ok?  Just act like nothing happened."
"OK," she says.
Good.  That's all I need:  Lila goes charging up to Ross, denying the affair, and Ross asks her WTF she is talking about.

"I just wish I knew who told him," she says.
"We'll find out.  It's gonna be fine.  Don't worry."

Now, I had to tell a lie, and there wasn't too much truth to mix in with it.  But, I can add a little sugar to make the medicine go down easier.
"Hey Lila?"
"Do you think you can get your mom to let you stay at your dad's for the weekend of the 31st?"
"My grounding will be over by then.  Yeah, probably.  WHY?!"  Now she is excited.
"My friend Mike's getting married.  I was wondering if you wanted to be my date for the wedding."
"Um, well ya, but we can only go as friends.  I wouldn't want anyone to suspect us," she says sarcastically.
"But you WILL have sex with me, right?"
"ABSOLUTELY.  I can't fucking WAIT to have sex with you."
I get absolutely rock-hard.  Something about her voice when she talks dirty.  It's a Marilyn Monroe-type of husky whisper. 

"We just have to be EXTRA careful when we go, ok, Lila?  We have to be careful ANYTIME we are together now.  Even more than before."

"I know."

Actually, it is kind of a risk taking Lila, but not THAT much.  Mike and his fiancee live an hour past Lila's dad's house, and he lives about 100 miles south of here.  No one from around this area will be there.  I hope. 

It's gonna be tricky to arrange.  But if we can pull it off, that figures to be a very nice weekend...
All things considered, this went ok, I guess.  She didn't go to pieces.  But I wonder:  Have I seen the last of the aftermath?