Bonnie and Clyde '04

With my friend's wedding coming up, it's time for another round of plotting and scheming with me and my fave partner in crime, Lila.

Lila usually takes the train to go see her dad.  So the idea for this time is:  Her mother drops her at the downtown train station, I pick her up there, and we drive to the wedding together.  The wedding is an hour south of her dad's house, about 200 miles from here. 

The ceremony is at 11 in the morning, and the reception is from 12:30 to 5:30.  So, I figure that we can just go straight to the wedding, and then I can bring her back to her dad's house afterwards.  She can hang out with him on Saturday night, and I'll stay at a hotel, and if her dad should flake on her, she can come to the hotel with me. 

On Sunday, she can get a ride from her dad to the train station, and I will pick her up there and take her home (or, more accurately, back to the downtown station, so her mother can pick her up there).  It's perfect!

"Just hang out with my dad and me," she says.  It's late on Tuesday night; we are talking on the phone.  We've been talking late at night a lot lately.  It is helping her cope with not being together so much, or so she says.

"No, Lila.  WHY is this so important to you?!" I say.

"Don't get mad at me, baby!!"

"Lila, I just got done telling you how much trouble I would be in if work found out.  Ross is already on to us."

"My dad doesn't know Ross.  DUH!" she snaps.

She is NOT getting snotty with me, is she?

"Well, he'll know him really quick if he goes nuts and calls the office," I say.

"He won't, Steve.  He doesn't CARE about that shit.  He met my other boyfriend, and he was 28.  He totally doesn't care!"

"I'm not taking that chance," I say.  "Baby?"

"What?"  She sounds pouty.

"Why do you want him to know so bad?"

"I just....want him to know how happy I am."

Excuse me while I puke.

"That's sweet, honey.  Just....not yet, ok?"

"Pleeeeeeeeease?"

"Lila!"

"I know, I know.  We have to play it safe," she says mockingly.

"So do you like my plan?"

"Of COURSE baby!  I ALWAYS love our plans..." she is talking to me in that little-girl voice that drives me mad.

"So what are you gonna wear to the wedding," I say.

"Haven't decided yet.  My red dress maybe?"

"I may have a surprise for you in that department," I say.  I've been shopping for dresses for Lila.  It's her birthday in a couple of days.  I think I found a dress I like - for ONE THOUSAND FUCKING DOLLARS.  Yeah.  A thousand. 

I'm in the wrong line of work.

"I have a birthday present for you too, baby!  Actually, more than one," she says.  (My birthday is in a week and a half.) 

"Can I give you one of them before we go to the wedding?" she asks.

"You didn't have to get me anything, baby!"

"I love you!  Of course I got you something!"

"Baby, you are just so cool.  Why are you so sweet to me?"

Ok, did I just say that?

"Because I love you SO much.  I would do anything for you!"

My BlackBerry goes off.  Kelly. 

PLEASE CALL ME RIGHT AWAY, she says.

"Baby, I'm gonna get ready for bed.  K?"

"Wish I was there!" she says.

"Me too."

I call Kelly.

The phone doesn't even ring before she picks up.  "Hi, babe!"

"Hey.  I'm just getting ready for bed."

"Who were you talking to?"

What the fuck.  WHAT THE FUCK!!!  Is this chick turning psycho on me?

"None of your fucking business!"

Oops.  I think I sounded a little too mean there.

"Mmmmm, feisty," she says.  Sounds like her mouth is full.

"What are you eating?" I ask.

"Pizza.  Taylor's here."

Ahhhhhhh, Taylor.  That's right, Rob is away this week and the two of them are hanging out.  I GOTTA get involved somehow.  The possibility of a bona fide threesome is just too real!

"So what are you two doing tonight?" I say.

"Not much, just a couple of movies, and bed."

"Separate beds!" I hear Taylor say in the background.  They giggle.

You know, sometimes I think Kelly is more gay than straight.

"Any room for me," I say.

"Noooo, no no no!" Kelly says.  "YOU said you were getting ready for bed!"

"Looks like someone is whack-iiiing," Taylor says.

"Come hang out with us on Friday!" Kelly says.

"OK."  SHIT, yeah.  Friday could be very fun.

"So what did you want," I say.

"Huh?"

"Your message said, 'please call me right away'.  Is something wrong?"

"To find out how you're doing!  And invite you out Friday!" Kelly says.  "And I just wanted to tell you I was thinking about you."

"GAAAAAAAG!" says Taylor.  Is she drunk?

Yeah, thinking of me.  But do you think of me before or after you bury your face in Taylor's snatch?  Not that there's anything wrong with that...

"Thanks, Kel."

This is shaping up to be an epic sexual weekend.