Tuesday, June 08, 2004

Butterface, out; hot lawyer chick, IN!

So I'm getting ready to leave the office this morning to go to the closing, and Julie from legal comes to see me. "Would you mind riding to the closing with me? I need to speak to you." she says.

Let's see: Nasty breakup with my employee on Saturday, legal wants to see me on Tuesday. Don't like the timing there. But it might just be about the closing.

Julie is very hot: About 5 feet tall, black hair (wears it in a bob), about a 34B, if I am guessing, and a nice muscular little body. It looks like she works out a lot. She is always wearing these really expensive suits and nice jewelry. I am sure she out-earns me by a mile. And I think she is older than me, which I usually don't like, but I would make an exception for her.

Of course, I made sure I hit on Julie when we hired her last year, but she has this mysterious "boyfriend" who is supposedly overseas with the military, and no one has ever seen him; not even so much as a picture. Plus, I was working on Lila all the time then. Rumor around here is that Julie is gay, and the boyfriend story is just a front. Not sure I believe it, but who knows?

Turns out Julie is the lawyer who spoke to Bart Friday after I requested someone call him. "He thinks VERY highly of you," she said. "We all do!"

"Awww, come on," I say.

"We have been talking for some time about a liaison position between the legal department and the agents, and your name kept coming up," she says.

"Take calls from guys like Bart at 5:00 on a Friday? No thanks!"

"We ran it by Ross; he thinks it's a good idea!"

"Tell HIM to do it then." At this point, I'm getting annoyed. I hate lawyers and "bigwigs" who are always moving people around and changing things for no reason. I'm vaguely aware that I am sounding very angry.

"I didn't mean to....."

"Forgive me, but it sounds like I would be doing other people's shit work that they don't want to deal with. My plate is rather full, anyway, at the moment."

"We think Ross would go for a signing bonus and a 5% raise."

Wonder what the number was BEFORE I got pissed.

"And we were hoping that your assistant could take on some of your duties to free up time on your schedule."

"OK, it sounds a little better now," I say.

She laughs, a little too hard for the joke. She is nervous - or trying to make me feel better. "I see why Bart likes you. You're very direct," she says. I turn to look at her, and she is looking at me admiringly. Almost flirting?

Now I get it: She's a treat-me-like-shit girl! I was too nice last year...that is why she didn't show any interest! OK, I might be able to make this work.

"I have a lot of questions," I say. "I need to see an updated org chart, for one thing. It sounds like there's going to be dotted lines all over the place. And Lila is just going full-time on July 1, so I don't want to overload her. Can we have lunch tomorrow to discuss?"

"It should probably be Jack you meet with...."

"Forget it. Deal's off then."

"How did I KNOW you were going to say that?"

"Hey," I say. "Are you going to Doc's tonight with the group?"

"I have court tomorrow."

"I'll get you a hangover continuance," I say. "I don't usually take no for an answer. Not from girls with shiny black hair."

"ONE drink," she says.


PERFECT! Now, I don't have to call Kelly. OR Butterface. OR Lila.

We finished the closing at 2:45, and Julie walked back to my office with me. I was doing my Jerry Seinfeld impersonation (I just read on the smoking gun that he spent 5 million bucks on a garage for 5 cars) and she was breaking up. Lila saw us and was NOT happy.

You watch: I will be fucking Lila - hard - by the weekend. And I bet she won't be saying "I love you" either.